Love's Haze
by mabarberella
Summary: Edward tries to expand his strict boundaries concerning physical contact with Bella and is surprised to learn that there is a way to do so without giving completely into his animalistic desire for her. Mature scenes & language.
1. Ch1: Sleep Talk Torture

**Sleep Talk Torture**

"Sleep, Bella," I whispered into her lips as I pulled away, kissing her closed lids. She whimpered softly, reaching for my lips with hers again. "Come on, you need your sleep. It's 2 a.m.!"

"I don't care," she said, trying to press her body up into me, yet again. "I'm not sleepy, I just want more of you!"

"I know, Bella, I know. I feel the same...but you've got to get some sleep sometime. I keep you up nearly every night and you end up so tired the next day...just sleep now." I pulled her close to my chest, kissed her hair, and sighed. She was so completely and utterly desirable, it was almost painful. And we were probably in the running for some sort of marathon make out record. Every night, for over an hour...it was making us both crazy with frustration and it was always _me_ pulling away. Always. Always me reigning in the passion. The master of control.

Maybe I was a masochist. I lay here every night after our heavy breaths had slowed, after she had drifted off to sleep, after listening to the torturously wonderful way she said my name in her sleep. All for the chance to be near her, to be close to her, to feel complete as I did only in her arms. Some nights during which I ended up inadvertently testing my self control as she shifted atop me, at times unknowingly brushing against my thighs, my lower abdomen, or sometimes the place I desired her to touch most. It was, at times...unbearable. Those were the moments I stole myself away to the opposite end of the room to perch in the rocking chair, attempting to regain composure. Or I would determine it the right time to run home and change my clothes. Or hunt.

But there were times when I made the wrong decision, the one that never turned out well. That would be when I made the decision to stay where I was, let her touch me unconsciously, let her hands and torso and legs wander where they may. I told myself it was a good test of self control, but in truth I knew I was just taking advantage of the situation and my innocent bride-to-be. I was so yearning for something...more than what I would let her consciously do, I was willing to chance all of my willpower to let it happen in her unconscious. I am a horrible, horrible person. Well, not really a person, but surely not the gentleman I strived to be. Those nights I had to grit my teeth, try to keep my mind from exploring the possibilities too far ahead, and focus on how to let her touch me and not loose myself to my desire.

Then there were times that she didn't squirm unknowingly. These were the nights where I held her, so close, and day dreamed. "Day" dreaming not really the appropriate term, as it was usually at night, but dreaming awake all the same. I dreamed about making her moan my name awake the way she often did while sleeping. I dreamed of undressing her, slowly, her secrets revealing themselves to only me. I dreamed of being able to touch every inch of her and feel her body against mine skin to skin. I dreamed of the incredible thrill it would be to kiss her, open-mouthed, breathe her in, touch her tongue with mine, the simplest of intimate romantic gestures that I could not bring myself to allow us to do before marriage. I focused on the things that would surely end in my willpower cracking and taking her virginity on the spot. These dreams always ended in my version of the "cold shower" - running home to change my clothes, sometimes running a lot longer than I needed to, just to get her out of my brain fogged with dreams and smells and desires and things that could not be.

I tried to avoid my home until I could refocus my thoughts. Regardless of Jasper's discretion when it came to others' feelings, I didn't deem it fair to him to run into the house with lust and frustration coursing through me. I knew the effect I'd had on him in the past, when I first started seeing Bella and those feelings came to life for me after a century of evasion. He never cursed me or blamed me for it, but after a few weeks, I did hear Alice's thoughts urging me to keep a distance from time to time so she could avoid...how did she put it?..."having to call into school sore".

Tonight, however, was my favorite kind of night. She was especially verbal and descriptive with her sleep chatter this evening. These were the moments I wouldn't miss for the world - the uncensored Bella. She started out with the usual jabber, mentioning words that reflected her experiences during the day: "lasagna, Charlie...yes, vegetable...cholesterol. Too much lace, Alice. No, no...no tiaras, come on!" Then a frustrated sigh, then silence for awhile.

Then, her breathing started to speed up – so much so that I wondered if she were waking up. Her body temperature went up and she started to mumble, "Mmmm, Edward. Oh, please, I love that, please!" What? What does she love? Oh, my. My body was reacting to the possible meaning of her words. I had to believe that's not what she was dreaming about, regardless of the tone associated with it. Maybe she was talking about her wedding band. Yes, that could be it. She hadn't seen it yet and maybe it would surprise her and she would love it so much she would be begging to have it on.

"Oh, yes, Edward. Yes, right there, please, please don't stop. I love you, oh I...I love you," she whimpered. I was starting to panic. She just whimpered the words "please don't stop".

She's not talking about a ring. OH holy hell, I should've left earlier. And then I smelled it. Oh, god, that smell was enough to turn me inside out. It was mesmerizing. It almost seemed to put me in a haze. I had smelled it before, but each time she had been awake, and it had been masked by the thick material of her ever-present jeans. I had always been able to take my leave before it got to me. Now, this was not possible. She had shifted since she'd fallen asleep and was planted firmly with half her body on top of me - her head on my chest, one arm thrown over my torso, one leg between mine. I could feel her pulse in her femoral artery throbbing against my thigh, and I could feel...the _heat_ coming from between her legs, pressing into me through her thin pajama pants.

Okay, just stop breathing. No reason to breathe. Not having a conversation, so no reason to breathe. I can hold my breath indefinitely; now, how to get the warm inviting feeling away from my thigh, this was going to be tricky. The most frightening part about this whole scenario is that I don't WANT to leave. I wanted to stay, to hear what else she has to say, to hear her most intimate thoughts about...well, the most intimate of situations. I wanted to know where "right there" was. I wanted to know what she didn't want me to stop doing in her dream. I wanted to know what she wanted, what she liked, what she dreamed about doing so that I was prepared on our wedding night.

And then, I broke my own rule. "Where is right there, Bella?" I whispered, ashamed the minute it came out of my mouth. And then, by some miracle or curse, she answered:

"My calves. I love it when you run your smooth hands up and down my calves." I felt my insides start to pull taught. The idea of running my hands up and down her calves made my breathing start again, with a fury. This was a bad thing, as the smell of her arousal hit me again like a brick wall. The mental image I had of myself touching her calves and knowing now how much she liked that particular part of her body to be touched brought on another wave of my own arousal. Mentally noting that I would have to try it out and see if she really did favor being touched in this way, I stupidly asked:

"And w_hat_ do you not want me to stop doing?"

"Don't stop rubbing my nipples, it's so divine."

The erection that had come on the minute she had muttered "Mmmm, Edward" at the beginning of her breathy rant was now trying to bust its way out of my jeans. Did she just say "nipples"? If vampires could faint, I would be doing it now. All the blood would have left my head at that word. Swallowing hard, I realized I was in over my head. I had to get out of her before this went any farther. I had to get away from that scent, her words, the frustration that was left over from the earlier make out session, and the things her answers to my questions were doing to my body now.

I slipped out from under her as stealthily as I could, but disrupting her slightly nonetheless. She was still dreaming, but was now looking disappointed, and whimpered, "Oh! You stopped, like you always do. Urgh!" It made me unreasonably sad that I had frustrated her now twice tonight, even if one time was in her dream.

"Shhh, love, stay still and I will slowly drag my fingertips over your..." I hestiated, and gulped, "calves." I kissed her forehead, and quickly made my way toward the window.

"Mmmm, okay, I love that..." she smiled into her pillow, as I hopped out the window.


	2. Ch2: Confessions of a High School Virgin

**Confessions of a High School Virgin**

I sat perched on the tree outside her window, trying to catch my breath. Funny how you forget you don't need to catch your breath when you don't need to breathe at all. The air was so much clearer out here, but I could still smell her...all of her. I dropped down to the ground and ran for the woods. Now, I could breathe. Even though I felt empty leaving her, I had to go before I totally lost it.

I ran half way to Port Angeles before I turned around and made my way back home. Spotting a herd of deer on the way, I stopped for a snack, even though I wasn't really thirsty. The running and drinking seemed to calm me somewhat, but I still felt guilty, ashamed, and well, for lack of better descriptor...turned on. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that Bella dreamed about me doing those things to her. I day dreamed about doing those things myself, although the thing with her calves, that was a new one! Who knew?

I'd heard more than my fair share of human thoughts about sex in my lifetime, and there were always places people kept secret about where they liked to be touched. Apart from the usual sexual pleasure centers and the unusual places attracting fetishes, there were places certain people just liked to be touched. Under the ear was a common one for women, as was the nape of the neck, the small of the back, and the inside of the thigh. Many women seemed to like a little teeth as well - bites at the shoulder or the neck, something I always found ironic. But calves was a new one for me.

Why would she keep this a secret? It's not like I would consider it "out of bounds" like French kissing or...god help me...nakedness. Maybe she was embarrassed? She seemed to be embarrassed about a lot of things, but looking for more touch was not usually one of them! Maybe it was asking for a specific pleasure she found intimidating. She had never asked me to touch her in any particular place...but was that because she knew I wouldn't - because it would be on my "off limits" list?

She could just avoid telling me because it would add to her frustration, that was building every time we touched, it seemed. I didn't really know what to do about this situation. I was feeling the same way and it was getting worse. Hell, I just ran half way to Port Angeles and I'm still too hot and bothered to go home. Maybe I could talk to Carlisle and see what he suggests. The master of control was out of control and in need of answers. I did my best to clear my head of thoughts of Bella and this evening and made my way home.

As I approached the house I realized Alice & Jasper were gone, lucky for me. I heard Carlisle reading in his study, so I approached and knocked quietly. "Come in, Edward," he said, expectation in his voice.

"Carlisle, I came to ask you something - I'm feeling quite...out of control lately," I started, not sure where to begin.

"Out of control?" he sounded worried.

"No, not with my thirst, not that at all," I replied, hesitant. He seemed to relax a little. "Moreso with my...libido."

"Ahh, yes..." he said, with a smile, "I figured it was only a matter of time. Is Bella feeling the same way?" he asked, quietly. He knew this was an extremely tough subject for me to discuss, especially when talking about our private time together. I felt like I was betraying her when I talked about my physical reaction to her - or her reaction to me.

'Yes. In fact, she's been feeling that way for quite some time. I am always the one stopping things, which frustrates her immensely. I just don't know how to proceed anymore. I literally had to run from her room tonight...half way to Port Angeles, just to get my feelings under control. I hate being so out of control around her. You know she talks in her sleep, and well...let's just say sometimes her uncensored dreams tend to test my willpower." I hung my head in shame, admitting I'd heard what she'd said in her sleep and that it was an intimate moment to which I should not have been party.

"Edward, really, stop beating yourself up over feeling like this. You are in love, and you are attracted to a beautiful woman, and feeling this way is completely normal. If Bella were married to you and a vampire and you heard her saying those things in her sleep...well, I know that's impossible, but if it were, your body would still react this way. It doesn't make you a monster and it surely doesn't make you abnormal to have your body react to it. It makes you, well, for lack of a better term, male!" He tried to hide a chuckle, but I heard it anyway and glared at him.

"Look, Edward. 90 years of not feeling anything for a woman doesn't mean your sex drive died with you upon your change. It means that your mind had to be just as stimulated as your body in order for you to feel desire. And now that you're feeling it, it's bound to be difficult to rein it in all the time. I spent many, many years reining my desire in before I met Esme. I know being so close with Bella all the time - being able to touch her within the limits you've set, has to be not only a challenge for your body but your mind as well. I don't begin to understand how you've become so immune to her blood, but from the look on your face and the frustration you feel now, it seems her body has been singing to you much more strongly recently than her blood has been," he said, probing for me to open up.

"Yes, well, that's just the problem. I don't know what else to do. I feel I'm at a breaking point of sorts. I really want to wait until we're married, but even then, I'm not sure if I can be with her without hurting her. They plague me, the thoughts I've had about what could happen," I sighed, miserable.

"Edward, let me ask you something: have you let the entire scenario of what could happen play out in your head, but where you don't end up hurting her?" Carlisle looked in my eyes for my answer. I shook my head.

"Ah, now, that's the morose, pessimistic son I thought had started to disappear when Bella came into his life," he said, with a half grin. "You need to start thinking about this in a positive manner. Start the movie in your mind over, but with a happy ending this time," he chuckled. I looked up and glared at him. "Sorry, it wasn't an intentional pun, it just happened," he said, sobering up.

"Do you really think positive scenarios are going to ease my current state of...frustration?" I asked him, honestly. I could only imagine the run I would have to make to clear my head from those kind of thoughts. I'd have to run to Seattle.

"Edward, you do know there is a way to ease some of that frustration," he said, seriously.

"Carlisle," I sighed, "I've been through medical school twice, sat my way through hundreds of sex ed videos in schools over the years, and heard every person's thoughts for a 3 mile radius for the last 90 years. I'm very familiar with the idea of masturbation."

"Well?" he asked, leaving the question open-ended.

"Ugh!" I sighed, "I expected this from Emmett, which is why I came to you to talk about this."

"Look, Edward, what about it is so offensive to you? Why do you associate it with something crass or repugnant? It's completely natural, which is why you've heard it in so many people's thoughts. And the frustration that drives people to do it is usually one one-hundredth of what you're currently feeling." I felt badly that I'd compared Carlisle's advice to what I'd have received from Emmett and realized he was just trying to help.

"I don't know...I guess it seems so self-gratifying, so selfish. Like I'm taking advantage of how she makes me feel and then continuing that feeling without her. I don't know, I can't explain it."

"You feel like you'd be cheating on your fiancée with your hand?" he said, trying to keep a straight face.

"Carlisle, seriously, for one minute, can you stop the smirking? This is a difficult conversation for me, too." I rolled my eyes. It was kind of funny, the way he put it.

"I know, I'm not trying to make it funny, it just seems to come out that way, doesn't it? I'm not making light of your situation, I promise. I do want you to consider a couple of things, though. First, what would be so bad about you 'continuing without her'? Maybe the intensity and pressure of your first orgasm is better spent without her presence. Maybe it's best that you experience that without her so that you are prepared when you are with her for those feelings?" His train of thought was very logical, but the thought of doing what he was suggesting still made me nervous and feel shame.

"I know your first priority is her safety on your wedding night, but those priorities might start to shift when you're body is feeling something new that is as intense as orgasm. Orgasms for us are, well, extremely powerful, Edward. More powerful than the thrill of the kill, more powerful than love, more powerful than anything... with the exception of tasting human blood. I know that because I've heard both of your brothers confess it in the past. When Jasper and Alice first arrived, Jasper literally used sex as a method of pacifying his need for human blood, to keep him on the straight and narrow, so to speak."

I pondered this idea for a moment. I remembered the frequent trips to the mountains Jasper and Alice had made when they first arrived, and remembered their thoughts before and after. I knew he was right. Maybe it is something that should happen on my own first, without her there, purely to ensure her protection. If I had a better idea of what might be in store, I might deal with the situation with more grace when our wedding night arrived.

"Maybe you're right. I'll have to think about it," I sighed, still conflicted. "Maybe it would help make her experience better on our wedding night as well. I'm so afraid of losing control and just...taking her, without making sure she's, well...happy."

"Edward, you love her, and once you start exploring your boundaries a little, you're going to realize that pleasuring her and seeing and feeling her respond to you is just as amazing as release will be for you." I knew he was right, I'd felt that just from the sleep talk I'd been witness to this evening. I'd give anything for that to be real, not just her dream. The idea of her whimpering my name, consciously, was a fantastic, amazing idea.

"But if that doesn't happen on the first round, it's okay. She's going to understand - she's Bella. She knows more than you think she does about how your brain works, even if it is slightly convaluded at times and you don't let on to what's going on inside. She knows you better than anyone, I daresay, and just think of it this way: you have the rest of forever to get it right. Your first time doesn't have to be fireworks and simultaneous orgasm and the most amazing thing that ever happened. If it were, wouldn't it be a little depressing to think of the future? That you couldn't improve on one night for the rest of your life?" he was smiling broadly now, goading me.

"You can't put so much pressure on yourself that you think you have to make the first time perfect. Plus, there are other ways you can explore what she likes before your wedding night. I know you have your boundaries, but are you willing to bend them a little, to see what and how she likes to be touched?" he prodded, looking for a little give in my reserve.

"That's just the thing, I'm afraid if I do touch her, I won't be able to control my own reactions. In addition to that, is that really the respectful thing to do prior to our being married?" I was sure that touching my fiance to an extent was acceptable, but once I was under her clothing, it was beyond what I considered the right thing to do.

"Edward, I'm going to be blunt with you. I respect your traditional approach toward Bella and I know she does as well, however, times as you know have changed so much, and I don't think you touching her will undo her virtue...or yours, for that matter. You love her, as she does you, and you both have proven it in some very extreme ways, under crazy circumstances." I grunted at his comment, thinking about the events of the past year. I never doubted my love for Bella, or hers for me, especially after the things we'd lived through.

"I don't think anyone's virtue is on the line at this point. I think you should do what you feel right, but also think about how she feels. She is a product of this generation, not yours, and it's obvious from what you've told me that she's just as frustrated as you are. Maybe it would do you both good to have some...release?"

I put my head in my hands, for the first time really thinking about how selfish it had been to draw my own boundaries without thinking about the frustration I was putting on Bella. I had always considered what I had to be careful of, what my reactions would be, how to preserve her from my losing control. I had never truly thought about how frustrated she must be, and how she might resent me for always pulling away from her when she wanted more. I knew she understood - she always said she did, anyway, but what did she really want that I could possibly give her before we were married? I hadn't thoguht down that path before, avoiding it like I avoided the "happy ending" situation on our wedding, for fear that I would bring myself to such a level of frustration that I'd have to stay away from her - and from Jasper - for a long time before settling myself down.

"Edward," Carlisle said, trying to recapture my attention. "Maybe you don't have to go down the path of touching her if it makes you feel uncomfortable, it's just a thought, something for you to consider. Besides, she probably has her own method of dealing with that frustration, and it may not be something for you to worry about on top of your current list of concerns."

"What do you mean she has her own....oh!" I said, it coming to me in a flash. Jesus, I was an idiot. I don't know why I'd never considered this before. Maybe it was because since the day I'd met her, with few exceptions outside of the time when we'd moved away, she'd fallen asleep in my arms and woken up in them each morning, that I never considered her..._pleasuring_ herself. Just the thought of that made me twitch - mentally and below the belt. Trying to erase the quickly forming visual in my mind, I looked at Carlisle, questioningly and surprisingly, without shame. "Do you think she does...or has done that?"

"Well, Edward, I think you are a better person to answer that question, really. Do most girls her age think about having touched themselves?" Suddenly, the oddity of this conversation overcame me. I was talking with my father about whether or not Bella masturbates and what the thoughts of girls her age were in order to confirm whether this was a common occurrence amongst them.

"I see your point. I think I'm going to go for a run and try to sort some of this out," I said, uncomfortably. Suddenly I really wanted out of this room.

"I understand, it's a lot to think through right now. Don't feel pressured by anything I've suggested, Edward, I'm just offering an unbiased opinion, trying to help you see outside yourself. You do what you think is the right thing to do - that will make you happiest in the end."

"Thanks, Carlisle, I do appreciate your help." I said, embarrassed, but thankful nonetheless. I got up quickly and exited the room, making my way down the stairs.

Alice and Jasper had just walked in the front door as I was heading toward it. "You okay, Edward?" Jasper asked, full of concern. I could tell from his thoughts that he was feeling the confusion, awkwardness, and frustration within me.

"Yeah, just....trying to sort some stuff out."

Well, if you need to talk about it, we're here," he said softly, understanding that I might just need to be alone, but wanting to offer his help.

"Thanks, I think I'm going to go for a run and sort through some stuff." This was turning into a really, really long night, and I wanted to think through some of this far away from anyone who could read my feelings.

"Edward, this will work out. Take it easy on yourself, really. It..._works out_ for both of you." Alice said with a wink, reaching out and squeezing my hand, as she grabbed Jasper's and bounded up the stairs.


	3. Ch3: Run Screaming for the Hills

**Run Screaming for the Hills**

I ran out the door into the night, heading for the forest. Although it took no effort for me to run, it was a good way to clear my head and distance myself from others' thoughts. I would prefer to plant myself in front of the piano for a few hours to think, but with my family's thoughts swirling around me it made it difficult to really focus, and I couldn't very well kick them out of their own home just so I could think.

I first considered what Carlisle had said about finding my own release before my wedding night with Bella. His line of reasoning was logical and he was certainly giving me good advice. Anything that would increase her safety factor truly deserved to be investigated. Just the thought of doing _that_...without her...seemed, well, wierd. It's not as though I hadn't thought about doing it in the past, specifically since I'd met Bella. But I couldn't bring myself to do it, each time I'd considered it. It seemed, well, like I was doing something I shouldn't - like if she found out I'd done it, she'd be disgusted.

And as for Carlisle's assumption that Bella probably found her own release from time to time, I had a hard time believing it. I'm not sure why, but she just seemed too innocent and naive to have done that. Then again, before tonight, I'd never have thought Bella would dream about my touching her _nipples._ Just the thought of her mouth forming that word sent shivers of delight through me. Suddenly, the erection was back and making it painful to run.

I dropped to my knees in frustration. I looked around and found myself in the meadow. Our meadow. It made me think of our first kiss, of the make-out session where I told her I would take her before our wedding if she truly desired it. Arousal crashed over me in waves as I recalled these memories, on top of the feelings I already had picturing her saying nipples and moaning my name the way she had earlier in the evening. I couldn't take it anymore, I was at my limit. I opened my mouth and let out a foreceful, tortured yell. It was more like a yawlp, really. I fell forward on my hands and breathed heavily. I actually felt a little bit better, and although I'd just cleared most of the wildlife in a one-mile radius, I felt the peace of this place seep into me. I rolled over to my back, put my hands beneath my head, and stared at the stars.

Bella was the most amazing thing that had ever come into my life. All I wanted was to please her, to know her, to touch her in every way and be with her forever, and at the same time the fire that burned within me for her was becoming all-consuming, and starting to affect her as well. I couldn't not touch her - she was like a magnet for my hands, my lips, my being, but everytime I had to stop myself before going to far, I saw the wanting, the frustration, and even a little hurt in her eyes.

I couldn't stand to hurt her emotionally like that, it killed me a little everytime, but I did so to preserve her physically - to keep her from the physical hurt. If this was the case, how was I going to make good on my promise to make love to her on our wedding night and keep her safe? What was my plan? As Carlisle said, I hadn't even imagined the happy ending - in both senses of the word. I had never imagined a scenario where she didn't end up hurt, and I had never imagined one where I had an orgasm, either. If I couldn't fully imagine these things now in my mind, how was I going to put these scenarios into action and make them reality later?

I decided it was time to try. Time to imagine the whole wedding night, the good ending. What better place and time then now? Jasper was far enough away not to be affected, the wildlife had run for their lives a few minutes ago, and no one was around. It wasn't difficult to start the scenario...

_We were at Esme's island, in the cottage. Bella in her wedding dress, I in my tux. I stepped toward her and pulling her into my arms, began to kiss her with a reserved passion. She opened her mouth and I slowly slid my tongue in to touch hers. _

Okay, so if I wasn't already hard, just the thought of her in a wedding dress made my erection painful in my jeans. The French kiss, however, pushed me over the edge and I slid down the zipper to free myself from the cloth prison, and pushed my pants and boxers down to my thighs.

_I could kiss her like that forever, but chose to move to her neck to let her breathe, and ran my hands up her back and begin undoing the buttons on the back of her wedding dress. Her pulse quickened as I caressed her neck with kisses, letting my tongue flick out and taste her with every one. Her breathing became erratic as I kissed down her chest toward the top of her dress. _

This is where it usually got messy; erratic breathing causing her chest to rise and fall under me, taunting me, the erratic pulse of her jugular vein near so near to my mouth, and the impending nakedness were usually all too much for me to consider handling, and the next scene usually encompassed a broken hymen, me with my teeth in her neck, and my nether regions buried within Bella's broken lower torso. Shake it off, Edward, really. Where were we? Ah, yes, kissing her chest and almost done with the buttons...

_As I reached the last button I would step back and pull the dress from her shoulders as it dropped to the ground. She would be standing there, blushing of course, in a white corset and panties, hopefully with a garter belt and thigh-high stockings. _

Edward, this is your dream, you don't have to preface what you'd like to see with "hopefully". I groaned at myself and then I groaned at the image in my mind. I slid my hand down to rest it on my lower abdomen. I immediately felt guilty about doing so, but shook it off and decided to proceed with the vision.

_I would reach forward and lift her from the confines of her dress at her ankles and hug her gently to me, hopefully erasing her nervousness, then set her back on her feet next to the bed. I would kiss her again and revel in the feeling of my tongue on hers. I would pull away and look into her eyes to tell her how beautiful she was. She would stutter and blush and lean up to kiss me again. I would take my opportunity to kiss her neck again, moving my hands to rub her now-bare shoulders and her arms, then move my kisses to back to her mouth, my hands to her neck, and then let them drift down her bare skin to the top of her corset. Her breathing would be shallow and quick, making the tops of her breasts rise and fall under my hands. _

I slid my hand down farther and placed it on my erection, feeling myself twitch beneath my fingers.

_I would brush the top of her breasts and then let my fingers trail to the side and gently graze the sides of them through the corset down to her waist. I would pull her to me tightly and kiss her passionately, thinking of what was to come. She would push herself into me and thread her hands into the hairs at the base of my scalp, then to the front of my shirt. She would pull away just enough to look at me while she unbuttoned my shirt, one painful button at a time. I would lose myself in her eyes and run my fingers across her face and through her hair as her hands slowly made their way toward my waist. She would pull the shirt from beneath my pants, finish the last button, and place her hands on my stomach. _

I grasped myself with my hand and sighed with pleasure.

_She would run her hands up the middle of my chest, leaving fire under her fingertips as she went, and push out over my chest and up my shoulders to rid me of the shirt. Feeling her hands on me like that would leave me breathless, and I would have trouble keeping eye contact with her. She would then wrap her arms around my waist and begin kissing me with hot, open-mouthed kisses, using her tongue as she went, tasting my collarbone, my shoulders, my chest, and edging lower, as her hands covered every other part of bared skin that her kisses missed. _

This image brought me such feelings of want, I naturally began stroking myself, slowly, wanting the image and the feeling to last forever. The feeling was amazing, the sight behind my closed lids made me ache.

_I would run my hands up the back of her corset and began to undo the satin cord making my way down her back, pulling the cord through each little hole, one by one. As I made my way down I would feel the garment getting looser against her. I would keep my eyes shut, reveling in both the idea of her nearly-naked form and the feelings she was eliciting with her tongue and mouth. By the time I made to the last loop, it would have fallen mostly away from her and with one last tug, it would fall completely off, landing on the ground between us. _

_Her kisses that had slowed would stop altogether, and she would stiffen and look up at me. I would slowly open my eyes and look down into hers, focusing on not ravaging the rest of her newly-naked form with my eyes. I would kiss her fiercely and pull her tightly against me, feeling her bare flesh against my own and her warmth fuel the fire she had already lit with her hands and her mouth. _

The thought of our bare skin touching for the first time and her nipples hardening at being pressed against my cold chest made me unconsciously speed up my stroking, causing me to moan and feel a new kind of burn and tightness forming at the center of my body.

_I would pull away for a moment and tell her I loved her, placing my hands on her face, dropping them to her neck then her shoulders, placing kisses on her eyelids and cheeks, and sweet kisses on her mouth. She would open her eyes and blush, and I would slowly slide my hands down, trailing my fingertips over her breasts, her nipples and down beneath them, then cup them with my hands. _

_I would kiss her again gently on the mouth and squeeze her breasts, just slightly, before moving my fingertips to the sides of her rib cage, anchoring them there, and then brushing my thumbs across her nipples. She would make that sound she made during her dream as I continued to rub my thumbs back and forth across them. I would pull away from her kiss and she would lean her head back, eyes closed, and moan. _

My stroking got faster; my breath was coming in pants. The idea of touching her like that had set my whole body on fire. I had never made it this far into any dream, and was shaking with the idea of feeling her this way, something neither of us had ever done, something I knew from her dreams she wanted.

_I would take this opportunity to look down and examine her closely for the first time, raking my eyes over the forbidden fruit and I would sit back on the bed and pull her to me, so that my face was level with her chest. I would kiss her collarbone, then lower my lips to her cleavage, then slowly, draw circles with my tongue toward one of her breasts, then kiss and tongue and nuzzle below it, on the inside and outside of it, while my hands busied themselves - one with the skin at her lower back, above the waistband of her underwear and the other with her other breast. I would trace circles around her nipple with my kisses and then reach out my tongue and slowly lick-- _

OH god, the idea of me licking her nipples was too intense to continue without her. WHAT? WHY? I shook my head and stopped my stroking, disgusted with myself. I wanted HER, not my hand. UGH! What is wrong with me? Am I developing schizophrenia? My body wants my hand to continue, and my mind can't wrap itself around continuing a daydream without her physically being here? Men do this all the time and don't have a problem finishing! I was so hard, pulsing with venom and there was a fire burning within me, from my scalp to my toes, radiating from the center of my body, from the pit near my stomach. I looked down at myself and shook my head. How is it possible that I just made all my frustrations worse and now have nothing to do with this giant, embarrassing hard-on?

I tried counting in Cantonese, imagining the most disgusting medical conditions I was familiar with, listing the members of the French court under Louis XIV, recounting baseball scores and stats. Nothing helped. Not until I thought of Jessica Stanley. That helped a little. I found her so repugnant and fake that she just made me ill, and luckily, deflate a little. OH, and Mike Newton. There, that did it. Mike Newton was a hard-on kill, for sure. He made me angry and irritated, neither of which had a good effect on my mental state, but luckily detracted from lustful thoughts.

So, this is great, Edward. You're laying in the middle of "the" meadow with your pants down thinking of Mike Newton. Way to end the evening. I'm sure this is exactly what Carlisle was eluding to when he passed on that advice earlier. Disgusted with myself, I sat up shaking my head again. I didn't know what to do with this whole situation. Why can't I just do this? Achieve pleasure and release while daydreaming about seeing and feeling the girl I love naked? Carlisle was right - the world was different. This wasn't considered sinful behavior by the general populace anymore. It's not 1901, Edward. Get a grip! I was going to have to deal with this feeling of shame sooner or later, and I wanted it to be sooner so that I could get through this and increase our chances of success on our wedding night. Not tonight, though – there had been too much emotional and physical...duress for one evening.

Knowing it would soon be dawn, I ran back to the house to change before Bella woke up. I wanted to be there with her in my arms when she did. On my way to my room, I head Alice call me. I stepped into her room where she was digging through her closet looking for her favorite pair of boots. She stood up and looked at me. "You know when I said it will work out? It will, it just didn't happen tonight. But soon, I promise!" she winked at me and went back to her digging. Ashamed of the fact that she knew what I'd been up to and what the situation was, I wanted to crawl out of the house and ooze into the gutter, but I knew that Alice, like me, didn't get to choose what we knew about our family, it just happened, regardless of whose privacy it betrayed. I could also tell she was being sympathetic and honest.

"Thanks, Alice." I choked, just slightly relieved. I changed quickly, opting for a more constraining type of underwear than usual: boxer-briefs instead of boxer shorts. That way, I might be able to keep things under wraps and less obvious to my bride-to-be in case this day to come ended up being a repeat of the frustration of this past evening.


	4. Ch4: Grranimal Makes an Appearance

**Grr-animal Makes an Appearance**

I got to Bella's house in plenty of time to snuggle her back into me and lay there for a few hours, stewing over my self-pleasuring ashamedness issue. She awoke slowly, at first fussing back and forth trying to get comfortable, then finally leaving the dream world and opening one eye to the cloudy light coming in the window and then slamming it shut in denial.

"Good morning, beautiful," I whispered quietly, "you don't have to get up yet. Sleep awhile longer."

"Mmph, no, I should get up…mmm…" she grunted into my side, tickling me with the vibrations of her words.

"It's only 8:30, and it's Saturday, sleep awhile longer, you were up very late last night," I chuckled, "and Charlie's gone fishing for the day."

"No, I'm already up and kinda achy, I need to get out of bed," she said as she dragged her self up to her elbows and then over to the side of the bed like she was still half asleep. "I'm going to go take a quick shower, though, I feel…grungy," she yawned, making her way toward the door with her makeup bag.

I couldn't help but think as she made her way into the shower that the reason she might feel grungy was a direct reaction to the perspiration and arousal she'd experienced during her dreams last night. I heard her disrobe and open the shower door. I imagined her getting "clean" again and decided to remove myself from the second floor altogether, for fear of sprouting another erection. How many times can the body do that in 24 hours?

"Bella, I'm going to go downstairs and make you some breakfast!" I said, outside the bathroom door on my way down the stairs.

A shower, some strawberry crepes with cream, and a cup of coffee later, Bella was really awake, clothed, and ready for the day. "So, what would you like to do today?" I asked her.

"Well, I have some stuff I need to do around here – laundry, pick up, clean the kitchen, go to the grocery store, to the post office, just boring stuff. It won't take all day, though. You want to go to your place and hang out after? Or we can putz around here and read and lounge and do a whole bunch of nothing?"

"Nothing sounds fantastic to me. I'll even help with the kitchen to get us closer to nothingness faster," I volunteered, knowing that it would take me all of ten minutes. She didn't object and by afternoon we were laying on the couch at opposite ends, reading, our legs entwined. I myself indulging in the first of the Harry Potter series, much to Bella's disbelief and delight; she absorbed in another abused copy of a classic by Jane Austen. We'd been there for few hours enjoying the relative silence, broken only by Bella's recurring giggles, a brief pause for her dinner, and the one phone call from Charlie indicating he was staying at Billy's for the night to continue their fishing trip the next morning.

"I can't believe you're reading Harry Potter; that is so freaking FUNNY!" she giggled. "Okay, seriously, Edward, you don't see the humor?" she goaded, for the fourteenth time since I'd picked it up.

"Listen here, you're the one who owns it, I'm just reading it. And it's really quite well written – fantastic character development, meaningful well-placed tidbits that weave into an exciting plot-" I said defensively, her cutting me off with another giggle.

"Okay, I just think the irony is funny. My vampire is reading a book about witches. OH! And there's a werewolf that shows up later in the series, so you'll have to do a character analysis and comparison when you get to that point!" she managed to get out before her giggling made her eyes well up with tears of laughter.

I conceded a small chuckle while she bent over and clutched her sides, laughing. "It's not THAT funny," I said, which made her laugh even harder. "You know, sometimes I don't think you take me being a vampire seriously. I'm very dangerous, you know, you shouldn't talk about me so irreverently!" I tried to look hurt and dangerous at the same time, making her laugh harder.

So, I put my book down, slid stealthily off the couch, and crouched to spring for an attack. "Oooooh, I'm so scared!" she said, still laughing so hard she was turning red and tears streaming down her face.

"You should be," I growled, and pounced. I landed on the couch, gathered her in my arms, did a forward flip with her over the arm of the couch, jumped across the room, and pushed her up against the living room wall next to the stairs, forcing myself against her like a cage, not allowing her to move.

Her giggling had stopped and her heartbeat was speeding as she looked at me in surprise, as she moved her feet and realizing they were dangling off the floor. It had all been so fast she still had tears welling up in her eyes from laughter that hadn't yet fallen, but her face was very serious now. "Are you afraid of me now?" I challenged, looking at her with my fiercest gaze, which, because she was Bella and had that affect on me, probably more closely resembled lust than ferocity at this point.

"Edward-" she gasped, catching her breath. She didn't sound afraid. I wanted her to know at some point in her life that she should at some point at least be afraid of what I could do and realize how fragile she was, although that's not where my mind was when I pounced on the couch. I had been playful at first. Now I felt like I was trying to scare her.

"Are you?" I growled, narrowing my gaze trying to seem more frightening. Instead, I suddenly felt full of desire.

"No," she breathed, "I'm not afraid." Her heart was still racing a mile a minute and she looked away.

"Then what?" I demanded, still trying to keep the frightening demeanor in tact, hearing her heart drumming in my ears.

"I…am….incredibly turned on," she stammered, suddenly and brazenly meeting my gaze.

I think I just choked on my tongue. I know my eyes just bulged from their sockets, just for a moment. I definitely felt that. I couldn't believe she just said that. She didn't talk like that, except in her dreams.

Then suddenly all awareness in my mind was centered on the fact that in the process of having pressed myself completely into her to render her immobile, she was, in fact, well, pressed up against me. And I had let my predatory side emerge just long enough to feel that passionate pulse pumping through me – the one that was usually evident when I turned myself completely over to my senses. The one I used to guide me in the hunt that made the moment before the kill such a thrill.

I hardly realized I was breathing heavily, and that she, in fact, was matching me breath for breath. I searched her eyes for something to tell me to stop, to back away, that she was not comfortable, but all I could find was hunger – hunger that seemed to match my own. I couldn't stand it any longer. I kissed her, suddenly, passionately. I felt her head bump back against the wall as I did it, and I felt a fleeting voice in my head tell me I could've hurt her. Then the voice disappeared as I felt her temperature rise and realized the softness of her pressed against me. I rubbed one hand over her neck, her collarbone, her shoulders as I kissed her, searching out as much bare skin as her tank top allowed.

I moved my hand up to her face, then back to her neck and into her hair, winding it into the tender strands at the base of her skull, pressing her to me roughly as I kissed her. Her lips and her heated skin against me made my passion rage hotter, and I finally dropped my lips to her neck, wanting to taste all of her. She moaned as I kissed her there, which was music to me, satiating another of my senses. They were all focused on her, and I was in a haze brought on my lust and her smell. I breathed in deeply with my nose against her jugular. The combination of hearing her pulse and her moans, and smelling her blood mixed with her arousal made me shudder. I had to have more. The need forced its way from my lungs up my chest and out of me as a growl – primal and demanding against her skin.

I moved my lips back to hers and kissed her forcefully, wanting to devour her entirely. I lowered my hands from her shoulders to her waist, slipping my arms around her, between her back and the wall, pressing her closer to me. She gasped away from my lips in surprise as she felt my erection press into her thigh. I had never let her feel this part of me before, and having it push against her soft skin was so tempting.

I didn't let her up for air long; I continued my assault on her lips as she sucked air through her nose, kissing me back furiously. I lowered one hand to her jean-clad thigh and hitched it around me, sliding my hand back up her thigh to her hip, then letting it wander back to her buttocks, where I not so gently squeezed, then pressed her still more tightly against my throbbing need. She moaned into my mouth as I realized I'd pressed myself against her center, which seemed to radiate heat through her jeans. I could smell a new wave of wetness coming from her, and I began to tremble.

I had never felt this passionate nor this out of control with her. I wanted her. I wanted her like an animal – not for my prey, but to fulfill my desire. She filled my senses and I felt like I couldn't get enough of her. I wanted to consume her with my hands, my lips, my tongue, my body. I pressed against her again, and again she moaned, urgently. The heat of her against my coldness was fueling my fire, and I felt like I couldn't take in enough of her. I moved to her neck, kissing and licking and pressing myself against her again. I held her to me so tightly, not wanting to miss one iota of contact. I could feel her soft breasts through her shirt pressing against my chest, heaving up and down with her breathing.

I pulled her other leg around me and darted up the stairs, throwing her door open, and crashing down onto her bed. She threaded her fingers into my hair, pushing me down to her lips again, clutching me against her with her ankles locked behind my back. I kissed her desperately, loving the feeling of her heels digging into my back and feeling myself press down onto her. I moved one hand between us and before I could even register what I was doing, had it under her shirt on her stomach, moving upwards. She gasped away from our kiss in pleasure and anticipation at the contact on her midriff.

That sound pulled me from my haze. Something about the panic and pleasure in her voice slammed reason back into my skull. That's when I realized what I was doing, where my hand was going, where we were, where her legs were, where I was between them.

"Oh my god, Bella," I panted, finally pulling away from her lips, resting my forehead on hers, my eyes closed. "Oh, my god, oh my god…." I couldn't form any other words. I was shaking as she continued to pant and squirm beneath me.

I had been so close to taking her, right there. Like an animal. I would've taken her without love, without patience, without regard to her virginity, and most importantly, without consideration for her fragility. I had acted on physical desire alone. I had wanted to get my rocks off, pure and simple, and I had let my animalistic side loose on her.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" she whispered, worry creeping into her voice, her hands pressing against my face, grasping for an explanation. "What?!" That one word screamed frustration. My eyes were still closed; I was still fighting to regain complete control and to regulate my breathing.

"I'm…" I knew if I said the word sorry she would lose it. I was having problems forming any words at the moment. "I…must stop. Lost control….need a minute," I squeaked out between pants.

She sighed, and I could feel the frustration and tension in her. She said nothing, trying to be supportive of my need for a moment to regain my composure, but I could tell she was disappointed. I untangled myself from her legs and dropped down beside her, not wanting to lose contact with her. "Bella….I…I almost…"

"I know," she said quietly.

"You do?" I said, opening my eyes, suddenly meeting her gaze intently.

"Yes. I may be naïve in execution, but I know how this works. And I have hormones, which seem to know how this works as well." She smirked at me through the obvious disappointment on her face.

"I was seriously out of control with you just now. I couldn't think of anything but…" I lowered my eyes, ashamed of my raw desire that had literally taken over my body.

"God, I know. I could feel it in you. It was…fantastic," she exhaled, as if she'd been holding her breath the whole time. She seemed to be speaking out loud to her self, more than to me.

"What?" I whispered, shocked.

"Look, Edward, that was the most passionate thing I've ever experienced, and it was…well, fantastic," she smiled genuinely this time, looking into my eyes for me to agree with her.

"But, I…I almost _took_ you. Like you were mine, in a territorial, animal-like way. I think I was even thinking the word 'mine'." And goddamn it, it was so, so hot. And I'm so, so ashamed.

"Edward, love isn't always chaste and sweet and slow and tender. Haven't you ever felt like that before? I know I have. It's not how I feel all the time, but there are times….like when you pushed me against the wall…where it's just so…right and, well…" she blushed, dropping her eyes, "so…_hot_…"

Did she really just say that? Not helping with the erection problem, not helping at all…

"Yes, I've felt that way, but I've never given into it before," she looked back into my eyes, hopeful. "But it's not safe right now for me to be that way. I'm surprised I didn't hurt you. Did I hurt you? Didn't you bump your head on the wall?"

"UGH! Yes, I did, but just barely, and I'm fine. Stop trying to find things wrong with what just happened. It was wonderful. If I thought I could convince you to continue, I would, but I know you won't…" she said as her eyes broke away from mine again.

"I just don't want our first time to be me ripping your clothes off and diving in like some animal, Bella. And I don't trust myself when I am not in control to not hurt you. I'm so-"

"If you say you're sorry I'm going to have a conniption fit," she said, cutting me off. "Don't ruin what just happened by saying you're sorry," she pleaded. She rolled onto her side and pulled me close to her. I kept my erection away from her this time, closing my eyes to keep my feelings within control.

"I love you," she said, kissing me softly. "I love what just happened. For the first time, I felt like you want me half as badly as I want you. It made me feel loved, desired, and well…sexy." Then she kissed me again and I could feel the heat returning to her lips that had been there just short minutes ago. I kissed her back, but tried to keep my head about me. When she pressed herself into me again, I had to pull back. The animal that had attacked before had not gone on vacation, it was waiting in the wings for a signal to get back in the game, and I couldn't let that happen right now.

"I – I have to go," I said weakly. "I have to go hunt," I said, with the lamest of excuses, but honest at the same time. Letting the animal loose seemed to make me suddenly, impossibly thirsty, and she smelled so enticing. All of her. I let my eyes meet hers again and realization in her at seeing the blackness of them made her nod in response.

I jumped off the bed, cupped her surprised face, kissed her swiftly on the cheek, and jumped out the window.

"UGH!" I heard her say as she slammed a fist on the mattress.


	5. Ch5: Up a Tree

**Up a Tree**

I landed on the tree outside her window, in the blackness of the night, with no moon out. The clouds had blocked what little there was to see of the new moon, and I suddenly felt cloaked by it and able to relax from the tension that had made me tremble in her arms.

I could still smell her scents through the window, but the haze was much less pronounced in my brain now that her skin was not against mine and I couldn't feel the heat of her body. I could breathe, though not too deeply, as my erection still strained against my jeans and threatened with each breath to burst out of its cloth prison.

I looked back through her window and saw her, still laying on her bed, breathing erratically with her eyes squeezed shut. She lay there that way for a few minutes, then got up, went to the bathroom and came back in her pajamas. She sighed, flicked off the light and flopped heavily onto her bed. It was a warm night and she didn't bother with the covers at all, except to kick them out of frustration.

She stared at the ceiling for a long time and then shut her eyes, as if forcing herself to sleep. I knew she had to be tired, as she's slept so little the night before, but her body just didn't seem to give in. She tossed and turned, sighing, seeming irritated and frustrated. I wanted to run back in, cuddle her, and sing her to sleep, but my current state of arousal and thirst made doing so seem inappropriate. For some reason, though, my mind didn't find spying on her inappropriate, probably due to the fact that I had categorized this specific evening as "watching over her" rather than spying.

After half an hour had gone by, she finally let out another frustrated grunt of "UGH," slammed her fist against the mattress again, got up and flicked the light back on. She went to sit in front of her dresser, staring at herself in the mirror. She looked at herself angrily, and said, "WHAT is WRONG with me?!?!" She dropped her head into her hands, elbows on her dresser, and began to mutter.

"Why? Why am I so freaking easy to resist?" I couldn't help but think how little she knew about my failing resistance. "And why can't I just understand his stupid limits and let him go when he needs to? And why, oh, why does he turn me on to the point of spontaneous combustion just by kissing me?" My breathing stopped. She couldn't possibly feel as strongly as I did when we kissed. My reactions always seemed off the charts and so difficult to keep hidden, hers just seemed to speed her breathing and her heartbeats.

"I mean, really, even though that was the hottest thing EVER tonight, all we really actually did was kiss. And I can't seem to get enough of him, its like Ben and Jerry's or something – I can't just eat a couple of spoonfuls. I have to have the whole FREAKING PINT!!! ARRGGHH!!!" she practically screamed, as she let her head fall from her hands onto the dresser. I instinctively moved to stop it before it happened, then remembered where I was, and flinched when her head actually hit.

"Ow" she mumbled, raising her head and rubbing her forehead. "And now I'm going to turn into a masochist because I can't have what my body wants, so I'm just going to beat myself senseless on my dresser and talk to myself like a fool. I wonder if he knows he's actually driven me to the point of CRAZY!?!" I suddenly felt incredible guilt.

Why couldn't I just keep my hands to myself and not egg her on every time I'm around her? If I could abstain from touching her so much, maybe it wouldn't be as rough on her, make her feel less frustrated. Suddenly that thought hit me like a ton of bricks. I made her feel rejected. I made her feel tossed aside and not important by pulling away every time. I created this frustration, self-pity, and hurt in her eyes. I was a heel, and my actions tonight only proved it. I had taken it too far, and now she was paying the emotional price.

"Ugh, shut up, Bella, stop acting like this is the end of the world. You've been through much more and lived, this is not the hardest thing you've done." She sighed, reached over to her radio, and flipped it on, still staring at herself. Then she closed her eyes and focused on the music.

She got up and began picking up her room, straightening things, dusting her furniture with an old sock, and eventually starting to dance a little to the music. Her demeanor seemed to go from exasperated to irritated to slightly annoyed, and finally, just a little frustrated. A new song came on that she seemed to really enjoy. It was a new song by Gas Light Anthem, and she knew some of the words, and started singing when she knew them, humming when she didn't, dancing throughout. I watched, transfixed, not moving an inch.

The next song started and the DJ announced the new song by the Kings of Leon called Sex on Fire. She froze in place. She sighed, shook her head, grimaced, then smiled just a little and then started dancing with enthusiasm. I had never seen her dance and the way she moved now took my breath away, the way she moved. She knew all the words, this time, and sang along with enthusiasm. Softly at first, and then with vigor as she swayed her hips to the beat, less focused on straightening the room and more so losing herself to the music:

_Lay where you're laying  
Don't make a sound  
I know they're watching  
They're watching_

All the commotion  
The kiddie like play  
Has people talking  
Talking

You  
Your sex is on fire

Dark of the alley  
The breaking of day  
Head while I'm driving  
I'm driving

Soft lips are open  
Them knuckles is pale  
Feels like you're dying  
Your dying

You  
Your sex is on fire  
And so  
Were the words to transpire

Hot as a fever  
Rattling bones  
I could just taste it  
Taste it

But it's not forever  
But it's just tonight  
Oh we're still the greatest  
The greatest  
The greatest

You  
Your sex is on fire  
You  
Your sex is on fire

And so  
Were the words to transpire

And you  
Your sex is on fire  
And so  
Were the words to transpire

Each time she sang the chorus she threw her head back just a little and ran her hands down her body, leaving them to rest on her thighs. She danced like a gypsy, seducing herself in the mirror. Her face was flushed, her blood pumping, her body moving in such an enticing way. I wanted to dance with her, feel her against me as she moved this way. I loved this song, never having heard it before, but the way she moved to it, it was burned into my brain. My brain was swimming with her again, feeling adoration, lust, love, and need. Need to be with her, feel her against me, around me. I shook my head, trying to clear it. This need was going to be the end of me.

I leaned against the tree as the song was ending, closed my eyes. All I could see was her, running her hands down her body across her tattered t-shirt and over her boxer shorts to her thighs. My eyes snapped open suddenly, and I stared back at her. Those were MY boxer shorts! Where? How did she…? She was craftier than I ever gave her credit for. I thought they were just eternally in the laundry, but no, she had snuck them out of the house at some point and now she was wearing them.

If I wasn't already so turned on I wanted to cry, this was definitely going to push me over the edge. At least, that's what I thought, as the song ended and she stroked her thighs one last time and heaved a sigh, looking around for something else to do. I could smell her again, a new wave of scent coming from her room. She was wet again, and she was wearing my boxers. "Oh, god…" I muttered, looking around me, trying to figure out what to do – run, hunt, die, scream? I looked back at her, seemingly to find an answer to my predicament on her face.

Then the next song came on without an announcement of the artist or the title. It had a dark, sensual beat. Her eyes grew wide as her hips seemed to start moving on their own. She closed her eyes, leaned her head back, and whispered, "There is no relief for the frustrated, is there?"

The words started, and she raised her head back up, started pumping her hips side to side, slowly to the beat in a way that made me shudder, and started whispering the lyrics in a throaty, lustful voice:

_you let me violate you  
you let me desecrate you  
you let me penetrate you  
you let me complicate you  
_

I could only stare, my eyes wide, my mouth open, my cock throbbing. She rubbed her body again as she danced, but this time, slowly, with purpose. She ran her hands up to her breasts, perky through her tank top, and squeezed them. I almost fell out of the tree. Then she roughly dragged her thumbs across her nipples and leaned her head back with a moan. I choked. On what, I'm not sure, but I definitely choked.

_help me  
i broke apart my insides  
help me  
i've got no soul to sell  
help me  
the only thing that works for me  
help me get away from myself  
_

She put special emphasis on the "no soul to sell" line and ground her hips in a circle, with her knees bent and her legs apart. She actually whimpered when she said "help me" each time. She moved her hands from molesting her breasts down to her thighs, and back up, squeezing them again. She backed toward her bed on her last "help me" and when she sang "help me get away from myself" and she said it like she really meant it as she laid back on the bed, scooting up to lean back against the headboard.

_  
i want to fuck you like an animal_

My breathing stopped as she sang this line with such intensity and closed her eyes, squeezing them tighter at the word "animal". She leaned her head back against the wall above the headboard. Bella just said she wanted to fuck me like an animal. What?

I shook my head, trying to clear the thought from materializing. All I could think of was the way she'd felt in my arms, the heat of her against me, our bodies pushed against each other, the feeling of her lips against me.... My chest was tight as my brain slipped, just a little out of my control, and I thought of what it might be like if that moment had continued – if I had been inside her.

NO! No, no, I had to get it out of my head. She's singing the song; she's just singing the song. And then she slid one of her hands to her stomach, and pushed up her shirt to trace circles just above the waistband of the boxers. I wanted to be touching her there, feeling the warmth of her skin with my finger tips.

_  
i want to feel you from the inside_

And then she slid that hand down and under her boxers. My boxers.

_  
i want to fuck you like an animal_

She sang the line with determination and moved her hand and her body twitched and she gasped just slightly. Oh, my, oh my, is this really happening? I couldn't look away. She moved it again, and then again, and continued move her hand under my shorts – mine – as she sang, her voice dropping to a whisper. I was panting and throbbing – everywhere – but the center of the beat was in my pants. I couldn't think, couldn't focus on anything but her, where her hand was, what she was doing. I wanted to be there, I wanted the hand to be mine. I wanted to scream and take her.

_  
my whole existence is flawed  
you get me closer to god_

At the word "god", she arched her back just slightly and moaned a little, rubbing her feet together, her thighs tight around her hand. It was my breaking point. I reached slowly down, unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans, and freed myself from them in one quick movement. _  
_

_  
You can have my isolation  
You can have the hate that it brings_

She moved her hand again and again, back and forth, in circles, always to the slow beat of the music. Her breathing grew shallower, her head stated to move along with her other hand on her breast, and her thighs – all in a rhythm of their own. I lowered my hand inside my boxer briefs, grasping myself, and started stroking in time with her hand. I felt like she was touching me, I felt like I was there with her, touching her, her scent and arousal swirling in the air around me.

_You can have my absence of faith  
You can have my everything  
_

She was moaning now, thighs rubbing together, hand moving faster. The scent of her got stronger and stronger. I could almost taste the wetness between her legs in my mouth. I groaned and stroked harder.

_help me  
tear down my reason  
help me  
it's your sex i can smell  
help me  
you make me perfect  
help me  
think of somebody else  
_

She whimpered, squeezed her breast again, arched her back. I moved my hand faster, panting, feeling the burn and tightness in my body. She did make me perfect; her, it was her, her, her. I was chanting to myself, my lips parted, breathing so fast a human would think me hyperventilating. I studied her movement, her facial expression, it was too much.

_  
i want to fuck you like an animal_

Her voice was strained, desperate as she sang. Then she spread her legs, bent her knees raised her hips slightly and moaned, moving her hand faster.

_i want to feel you from the inside_

Her voice cracked on the word "inside". "Oh, god, Bella, I want to feel you from the inside," I panted in a whisper.

_i want to fuck you like an animal  
my whole existence is flawed  
_

I trembled, moving my hand faster, watching her panting through her perfect, swollen lips, her eyes squeezed shut, her brow furrowed in concentration, her feet sliding on the quilt. 

_you  
get  
me closer to god  
_

Her moans turned into little cries. She panted random words now, forcing out "closer to god," as she tossed her head back and forth frantically, her legs frozen.

_through every forest  
above the trees  
within my stomach  
scraped off my knees  
i drink the honey  
from inide your hive  
you are the reason i stay alive_

I wanted to drink her honey – I envisioned my mouth where her hand was, causing my cock to twitch in my hand. And she _was_ the reason I felt alive. The throbbing between my legs had spread everywhere. My toes were curling, my eyeballs wanted to roll back in my head. And then she started mumbling and I couldn't look away.

"Edward, oh, don't stop…ugh, god, don't stop." Her words pushed me to the point of no return. I felt it, so close. "Fuck me….ugh….like an animal." My hand was moving far beyond the speed human eyes could register. She was telling me she wanted it that way, the way I wanted her tonight. I felt myself begin to shake.

"OH, ugh…I know you want to, oh, oh, please…." and then she cried out loudly, her face scrunched in ecstasy, arched her back off the bed, and shook, still moving her hand, but slowly now. Her expression was beautiful, amazing, and penetrated my mind. She continued to shake for a moment, and then there was a look of relief washing over her I barely saw.

My eyes couldn't look at her any longer, they rolled back and closed, and my head thudded back against the trunk of the tree, shaking lose several dead branches. Half a second later, white lights blazed across my lids, my head shook, my cock twitched, my tingling testicles tightened, and my release came like an explosion. Waves and waves of sensation coursed through me, forcing the venom out of me, forcing the breath from my lungs, forcing my head and my hands to shake.

I didn't want to stop the stroking right away, only slowed it as the waves of ecstasy slowed, finally leaving me relieved. Years of tension, sexual frustration, fear, and worry had suddenly been flushed from my system and I felt like a bag of bones, like I'd fall out of the tree if I didn't hang on.

I opened my eyes slowly, my head starting to clear, and looked in at Bella. She was lying back, hand still under the waistband of the boxers, breathing starting to slow, lids heavy, perspiration on her forehead and chest. "What…was that?" she whispered out loud. What did that mean? Had she heard me when my head hit the tree? I didn't see any recognition in her eyes, and was suddenly thankful for it.

A new set of emotions began to overwhelm me: relief, embarrassment, amazement, thirst, and acceptance. I suddenly felt as if it were right to have done this because she had, but embarrassed about the fact that I'd watched her do it…in addition to the fact that I'd watched it clandestinely from the tree outside her house and gotten off while watching. Would she ever forgive me if she knew? I couldn't help but wonder and feel…unsteady because of it. I felt my confidence was waning, like she'd be able to see right through me the next time I saw her.

At the same time, though, I felt relief and amazement that I'd been able to do this, to feel all of this, and not lunge in and kill her. I had forgotten my surroundings when I banged my head on the tree, but for the most part I'd kept some of my wits about me…except for the wits that were comprised of gentlemanly aspects of human nature like modesty, respect for privacy, and tenderness toward the love of my life. I was immediately ashamed for the absence of these feelings, but I was sure I had felt love, the most important of all feelings, and it had never waned. It was the driver behind the lust and the pleasure and the release, even if it was rough and fast and hot and lacked tenderness.

I wanted to sneak back into her room and hold her to me and kiss her forehead, tell her I loved her, but knew that was impossible at this time. I pulled myself together enough to leap from the tree, and with one last glance back at my beautiful Bella, who had turned off the light, rolled over, and was slipping into sleep, jumped down and made for the woods. Besides being sure that I was in love with her to the fullest extent of my possible being, and completely relieved that we had both felt some serious and much deserved release, I was definitely sure of one thing: I needed to hunt, badly. I ran off into the woods in search of something I could pounce on.


	6. Ch6: Lazy Day

**Lazy Day**

I arrived the next morning just before Bella awoke, having spent most of the night hunting. I had been unexpectedly thirsty when I'd left the tree outside her room, and had gorged myself to the point of feeling a little bit giddy. I'd run home to change and hurried back, just in time.

I clamored through her window and hurried to snuggle against her just before she awoke. I had sensed that Bella's scent had been slightly off as soon as I'd entered the room, and as I pressed myself against her, I realized what the difference was. It seemed her hormone levels were changing, making her blood take on a new appeal. It occurred to me that last night must have been the start of the change, possibly triggering some of my underlying unbridled attraction to her the night before.

"Mmmm, Edward," she muttered as her eyelids fluttered. "Morning…oh, ugh," she groaned as she rolled over to her back, squinting against the cloud-laced light filtering through the window.

"Good morning. You okay, love?" I asked, concerned she wasn't feeling well.

"Yeah, sorry, just achy. I must've slept all twisted up like a pretzel or something," she said in a voice heavy with sleep.

"Why don't you stay in bed a little longer? You don't have anything planned for today, do you? Maybe it would do you good to get some extra sleep." I urged. It would also allow me some extra time to sort through the feelings I had about what had happened last night, although I wasn't sure how my feelings would change, as it's all I'd thought of for the last eight hours.

"No, I want to get out of the house today. Let me go take a quick shower and let's go somewhere today." Yes that would be a much better plan: distract ourselves with an outing.

I helped her up, kissed her lightly, and made my way down to the kitchen for a repeat of yesterday's agenda: breakfast for the love of my life.

She chattered as she munched her way through the muffins I'd made. "Let's go to Port Angeles today! I want to see that new bookstore that finally opened up, it's got to be better than that one, lone, creepy one that was there before!" I winced as I remembered the last time she'd gone to check that bookstore out. It was one of the best and worst nights of my life; the night secrets had been revealed between us, and the night that she'd almost been molested in the alley just a few blocks away.

'OH! Then we can go see a matinee! There's got to be something good at the theater, let me check the paper." After rifling through the business and classifieds sections, she came upon what she was looking for, "OOOH! The new batman movie, Dark Knight, is playing! Let's go see that! Unless, that is, you feel that Batman is competition…" she said with a giggle.

"Whatever, all his powers are mechanized, mine are _au naturel_," I said, feigning pride and attempting a smirk, which then fell when I add, "well, natural in a freaky, wrong kind of way…"

"Did I ever tell you how much I like freaky and wrong?" she said, seductively, walking around the table and settling her self in my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck. "I find it very, very attractive," she said, her lips centimeters from mine, her eyes daring mine to look away.

"Well, Bella, no one ever said you were normal…" I said, chuckling, then closing my eyes and leaning in to kiss her.

"Yeah, well, that's the understatement of the century," she giggled, in between kisses.

Our kissing became more intense and I pulled away just slightly to push her hair back from her face. "Good thing normal holds NO appeal for me," I said, kissing her once more and pulling her to her feet. "If you're going to go forward with this matinee idea, you better get dressed so we can make it in time."

My phone buzzed the moment Bella reached her bedroom door. I looked at the caller and flipped it open. "Alice? What's up?"

"Hey, Edward. I just wanted to tell you…well, let Bella drive," she sputtered. "Yeah, so…that's it."

"What do you mean that's it? Drive where?" I was confused by her statement.

"To Port Angeles. Trust me on this one, it will be a very good thing to let her drive. She's going to fight you on it if you don't let her and the day will turn out very much more so…in your favor if you do," she giggled. "Oh, and it will be sunny later, but you'll be on the road when it comes out and no one will see. Okay, that's it. Bye!"

I took the phone away from my ear and just stared at it. I knew Alice didn't like to give too much away to influence things too much, for fear she'd lead the wrong piece of a decision awry, but she seemed downright…deceptively girly when she'd said that. But, as I never bet against Alice, I knew better than to disregard her advice.

"I'm ready," I heard Bella say as she left her room, heading for the stairs. She waited until the second to last stair before she tripped this time. I caught her, of course, and through her shocked expression, I saw a smile emerge.

"Who needs a superhero like Batman when I have you?" she giggled, pulling my face closer, to kiss her.

"Yeah, eat your heart out Christian Bale," I said with a smirk.

"Mmmm, he is handsome, though, that Christian Bale. And he has that nifty costume," she said with a longing sigh. I felt a growl starting in the pit of me, but suppressed it. I knew she was goading me, but I still felt the pangs of jealousy.

"You want me to dress in tights, get a mask, and prance about in a cape? Hmmm…I mean, if that's really want you want, I guess I could do that," I conceded, "but I think that might go against Alice's dress code, so we'd have to do that in private…" I raised my eyebrows. She locked eyes with me, and raised her own eyebrows.

"Tights and a mask. Hmmm…." She pondered this for far too long. Then licked her lips, put her mouth to my ear and whispered, "I think…hmmm…yes, I'd quite enjoy that," as she wrapped her hands around my shoulders, pressing herself to me and kissed the place just below my earlobe.

Stunned, I pulled back and looked at her, eyes wide. She giggled. "What? I'm sure your legs look amazing in tights, and I can't say I'd object to the whole kissing a man in a mask thing. Maybe that's just a girl thing," she said as she blushed, "you know, the whole masquerade ball mystery? Oh, never mind," she sighed, "it must be a girl thing." She had righted herself on her feet and started to turn around and walk toward the door.

I knew exactly what she was talking about, even though I'm sure she would never guess that. I had been to masquerade balls when I was human, too young to truly appreciate them at the age of sixteen, but although I had not worn tights, I had worn a mask. I had dreamed that every girl I'd danced with would be the one that would capture my heart, but the minute each had opened their mouth, I had known that it had been a lost cause. But I had kept my hopes up at the chance that one of the mysterious faces would turn out to be, once revealed, the person I was truly seeking.

I pulled her back to me, pressed my hand into the small of her back, my other arm on her shoulder. "The idea of _you_ in a mask and tights at a masquerade ball makes my heart want to beat again," I said, looking fiercely into her eyes. I was breathless when I kissed her and pressed her against me tightly. She gasped at the urgency of my kiss and relaxed into my hold, clutching her hands into my hair, pulling herself closer to me.

She kissed me back with fervor and for possibly the first time ever, _she_ pulled away from _me_. "If I had known all I needed to do was to wear tights and get myself a mask to make you react this way, I would have done that long, long ago!" She smiled, cupping her hand to my cheek and moving her fingers up to trace my forehead.

I smiled sweetly at her, my eyes clearly deceiving the sweetness and portraying the hunger she had awaked in me. "Maybe we should have a masquerade wedding?" she smirked knowingly, "I'm sure Alice would go absolutely bonkers at the idea."

At that moment, my phone buzzed again. I brought it to my ear and flipped it open without looking away from Bella, and answered it without waiting for the caller to say anything. "NO, Alice, she was just exploring the idea. We're not having a masquerade wedding."

Bella giggled and Alice said, "But she was really considering it, although I don't think you'd make it to the honeymoon before-" I snapped the phone shut and put it back in my pocket.

"Maybe we should get going if we're going to actually make it out of this house today," Bella said with a smile. "I want to have a relaxing, lazy day out with you, and that means leaving plenty of time to get there, since I'm driving," she said in a tone of finality.

"Okay," I agreed. She looked at me in shock.

"What? Did you just say okay?"

"Yes, I did. I know it will take us 45 minutes longer to get there, but if it's what you want, I'm okay with it. Leaves me more time to imagine you in a mask and tights…" I smiled, closing my eyes, raising my eyebrows.

She laughed, grabbing my arms, and pulling me toward the door. "OW, ouch," she said as she yanked her foot up off the ground. "Damnit, I think I hurt my foot when I tripped." She wiggled her ankle around, shaking it.

"Does it hurt to walk?" I asked. I knew she knew the answer if she said it did. I'd have to carry her to the car. I loved sweeping her off her feet, and she knew it.

"No, I'm okay. I think I just jammed my toe or something. Let's go." She limped toward the door, pushing away my attempts to pick her up. "Really, Edward, I'm fine, I promise."

We climbed into the truck, she in the driver's seat. We made our way to Port Angeles painfully slow for my taste, but we spent the time talking and laughing, and I was close to her, which was all that really mattered. We parked in front of the new bookstore, and as we approached, I inwardly winced a little at the last memory of the place. Bella, however, was so excited that it was a real bookstore she barged in without a second thought.

After flipping through the fiction and classic sections, Bella had decided on three books, and approached the counter to pay. I tried to get her to use credit card I'd given her, but she refused. "Look, it's seventeen dollars, Edward, I think it'll be okay."

She pulled out her money to pay and the cashier took it, intentionally brushing his hand against hers and smiling at her enticingly. He was about her age and the look on his face was a direct reflection of his thoughts. He was fascinated by her and couldn't stop thinking about what she might look like naked in his bed. He was also very generous with how he perceived himself.

"Alright, then I get to buy you lunch," I purred in her ear as I circled my arms around her waist from behind her, pulling her back into me and kissing her just below her ear. She sighed and closed her eyes and said, "That's fine, but I get to choose the place." The cashier looked at me this time as he handed her the change, and was suddenly imagining us both in his bed.

I shook my head and followed her out of the bookstore, chuckling to myself.

"What?" she said, looking for the reason behind my humored state, confusion on her brow.

"That guy, the cashier," I said, laughing again. "He was checking you out, imagining what you'd look like naked in his bed," I said, surprising myself that I'd disclosed the whole thought, uncensored.

"Really? Well! Who knew, I never would have guessed," she said, blushing but laughing at the same time. I decided not to go into the rest of the details involving his entire thought, until she said, "But why did that make you laugh?"

I took a deep breath and told her the rest. I had a hard time keeping the truth from her, especially after all we'd been through together, as I knew how important it was to her. "Would you have guessed that after I kissed you, he added me to the guest list for the party in his bed?" I was thinking she would be appalled at the thought.

"Well, I wouldn't have guessed it, but you can't blame the guy, I mean, look at you!" she said, blushing, kissing my cheek, and grabbing my hand. "Let's go to the farmer's market so you can buy me some lunch!"

We walked – well I walked, and she limped – through the farmers market and picked out a couple of cheeses, strawberries, blueberries, a peach, a cantaloupe, a tomato, and a loaf of crusty bread. I bought a half liter bottle of wine, thinking she might like the combination of a Cabernet with the cheese and fruit. It never dawned on me that I had never asked her whether she'd ever drunk alcohol before. Well, I guess I would find out.

Even though it was gray and hazy, the day wasn't too cold, so we opted for a seat on the grass at a waterfront park for lunch. I spread my coat out for us to sit on, and Bella pulled out a pocket knife and began to cut up fruit.

"Where'd you get that?" I inquired.

"Charlie, of course. After the fiasco with all the deaths in Seattle last year, he made me promise to carry one in my coat, along with the pepper spray. Like I'd have time to get it out, figure out which slot the actual knife as opposed to nail file was in, open it, and ward off an attacker. But I couldn't just tell him that my vampire boyfriend would protect me at all costs, so I put it in my pocket and kept my mouth shut," she grinned.

"Oh, Charlie, he only wants you safe. Here, hand me that and I'll cut you some cheese and cork the wine," I said.

"Wine?" She asked, hot having been next to me when I purchased it. "I do declare, Mr. Cullen, are you trying to get me drunk so I let my defenses down?" she said with a southern accent and raised eyebrows, batting her eye lashes.

Not really sure why that façade turned me on, I collected myself before answering, "No, my dear, I just thought it would go well with the cheese, you know." Realizing she was joking, I added, "That, and I don't think you are the one with problems letting down your defenses." I chuckled a bit, and leaned in and kissed her lightly.

"Would you like to have some then? I'm sure it doesn't have any affect on you, though, right?" she asked with a broad smile.

"I would love to have some if it didn't taste like sewage to me. The funny thing is that it smells like I remember wine tasting, but the actual taste when it goes down is horrid." I frowned, remembering having liked the taste of wine when my parents had allowed me a glass at parties. "And…of course, you're right, no effect." If only it took a glass of wine to loosen me up and put my worries, fears, tension, and predatory feelings at bay, we would be able to be more intimate without me always pulling away.

"Well, that's too bad," she said, smirking at me, raising her eyebrows. Changing her tone, she said, "Am I going to drink it right out of the bottle?"

"No, I got a plastic glass from the vendor," I said, letting my mind wander to how she'd look with her lips around the bottle, then shook the thought from my head, glad for the fact that vampires can't blush.

She sat in front of me and leaned her back into my chest and let me feed her bites of fruit and cheese and bread in turn, tasting everything. I loved watching her take the berries from my fingers with her teeth. She loved the taste of the wine after the cheese, rolling it around her tongue before swallowing. My erection problem was definitely back.

Then she picked up a whole peach and bit into it, sucking it just slightly to keep the juices from dripping, savoring every bite with her eyes closed, saying "Mmmmm." I had to look away at the fourth bite to keep my mind. My breath was coming faster, and I wanted nothing more than to let go and push her back on the grass and make love to her. Once she finished the peach, I settled for leaning down and kissing her passionately, wanting so much more, but only allowing myself this small pleasure. I pulled away from her and looked at her beautiful, shocked face.

The one thing she hadn't tried was the cantaloupe. I picked up a piece of the juicy melon and held it up to her between my thumb and forefinger, planning to drop it into her mouth. She tipped her head up to me before I could drop it, and pulled it from my fingers with her tongue, then wrapped her lips around my fingers and sucked the juice from them.

She rolled her tongue around my fingers as she sucked the juice from them, her eyes on mine the whole time. My chest rose and fell too quickly against her back. It was too much, and I suddenly had to separate myself from her in order to keep from ravaging her in public. The erection I'd been trying to hide since she started eating threatened to press into the small of her back. I moved at vampire speed to sit in front of her, severing contact.

I dropped my head and squeezed my eyes shut to keep from looking at her, trying to recover my senses. I felt like I had drowned in lust at the touch of her lips to my fingers combined with the sucking she'd done. When I felt like I could breathe again at a normal pace, I looked up at her, trying to keep my eyes calm and reveal as little as possible.

"Bella…" I started. I meant it to sound like a plea but it come out as a reprimand.

"Edward, I'm sorry, that was out of line. I didn't mean to disregard your boundaries," she pleaded.

"No, Bella, I'm sorry, I just…it was too much. I felt myself a little out of control. Not – not that I wanted your blood. I – I wanted…" I stopped, not knowing how to admit to her what little self restraint I seemed to have over my lust.

"Edward, it's okay. I just didn't realize it would be that intense," she smiled. She shifted her position to stretch her legs out in front of her and in doing so, brushed her foot against the ground. "OW! Stupid toe!" she winced as she pulled her foot back, rubbing her toe. "Ever since I jammed it it's throbbed and now my stupid leg is cramping up, argh!" She started desperately rubbing her lower leg.

"Bella, here, let me look at it," I said, taking her foot in my hands, "I do have a couple of medical degrees you know." I smirked. I took her foot in my hands, thinking about how her high instep and cute toes matched the rest of her perfectly. I ran my fingers along her big toe, pressing lightly and investigating as I went.

She winced and I looked at her seriously, "You did jam it, and it will take a couple of days to work itself out, but it's not broken."

"You're hands feel good against the throbbing," she said. I put my fingers around her whole toe, and she smiled at me. I left it there for a few minutes.

"Your leg is cramping because you're walking differently to favor it. Here, let me help you work some of the cramp out of your leg." I pulled her leg onto my lap, swatting away her attempts to pull it back, and as I pushed her knit pants up to her knee, she shivered. I had barely touched her, and I was surprised I'd made her that cold. Then, in a split second, I realized why she'd reacted that way.

I tried to suppress the Cheshire cat smile that wanted to take over my face, and settled on a smirk. I looked into her eyes intensely, smiling, and lowered my hands back to her ankle, not touching her leg this time. "I do know something about massage, you know, it came as a bonus with my medical degree." She stared at me with her eyes wide and nodded. I had dazzled her again, which had not been my intent. I felt slightly guilty about what I was about to do, but pushed it aside, telling myself she was actually in pain and needed this.

"Here, why don't you have another glass of wine and relax?" I handed her glass to her, and she sipped, keeping her eyes on mine.

I started with her foot, running my hands under her foot, pulling my thumbs toward me along the bottom of her foot. She sighed and leaned back, resting with her palms behind her. I continued to work on her instep and moved to her toes, rubbing and slightly tugging on each one except the one that was hurt. She smiled at me, and I continued back to her heel. I rubbed hard against it, circling it with my thumb, causing her to let a quiet "mmmm," out before she could stop it. Why sounds like that affected me by sending little bursts of electricity through me, I could not figure out.

I moved up to her ankle, carefully circling it with my thumbs, ensuring I targeted the ligaments and careful not to press to hard against the bones. Then, slowly, I moved my hands up to her shins, rubbing lightly with my fingers and using my thumbs on the back of her legs. I stayed there until those muscles relaxed, then very slowly and with the lightest of touches, moved my hands up to her calves.

I looked up at her from under my lashes and her eyes suddenly went very wide. She locked her gaze with mine, and I worked slowly, with my thumbs and fingers pressing into her flesh. Her heart rate had sped up substantially, but she still kept her gaze on mine, and although her face looked tight, her expression had not changed. I felt the tightness and the knots of the cramp in her leg and slowly circled my digits until I felt it begin to loosen.

I lightened my touch and used my fingers, thumb, and palms to cover her whole calf as the muscles relaxed. Her eyes got wider, if that was possible, and her breathing hitched. I lightened my touch to the point that I was just stroking her, no longer pressing into the muscles. She clenched her jaw and suddenly I smelled the most delicious of things: her arousal. I tried not to breathe in conspicuously, but rather slowly and reveled in the smell of the effect I was having on her. That plus the heightened smell of her blood mixed with her rising hormone levels and the wine she had consumed was intoxicating.

After a few seconds of this light touch, she closed her eyes, leaned her head back completely, letting her hair fan out below her, and moaned. She actually moaned. I had a new favorite sound in this world, one which made my body twitch. I continued to brush my hands over her calves for several minutes, emitting several more moans from her, smelling a new wave of arousal emanating from between her legs, and noticed as her nipples hardened under her long-sleeved tee shirt.

Her physical reaction was sucking me in – my breath was coming shorter and I could feel my own arousal starting to throb. I couldn't believe I could make her feel this way. I knew I had insider information and was using it to my advantage, but it was so exquisite to feel her shudder under my hands, knowing that I could control myself, as I was just touching her legs.

I wanted to touch her this way forever and continue to elicit that marvelous sound from her lips over and over, but her breathing had sped up substantially, her heart was going bezerk, and she shuddered. I suddenly realized how long we had been here, and glanced at my watch. We had to get going if we were going to make the movie, although I wanted anything but to stop touching her.

"Bella, are you feeling better?" I said, not realizing how low and husky my voice would be until the words came out. She didn't answer, and didn't look up. I stopped moving my hands, and although it pained me to stop the contact with her skin, I reached up and tugged her pant leg back into place. She finally looked up at me, her eyes glazed over, half-lidded and not focusing.

"Whaa?" she muttered.

I chucked to myself, smiled brilliantly at her, and said, "You ready to go to the movie?"

"Um, yeah, uh…yeah. I um, just need to…uh…" she said, looking utterly confused. I packed up the lunch while she regained her wits about her, and helped her stand up.

"I take it you enjoyed the massage? Did it help your cramped muscles?" I asked innocently, feeling a little guilt on the inside.

"Oh, uh, yeah, it really did, thank you, it was fan_tas_tic," she said, not really to me, but more to herself. Eventually it would come out that I did that on purpose, I'm sure, but for the time being, I decided to revel in the fact that I had made her moan. I smiled and thought to myself that this was going to be a fan_tas_tic day as we walked to the theater.


	7. Ch7: Hazy Daze

**Hazy Daze**

"Batman here we come," I said with fake enthusiasm. She giggled and nudged me, reassuring me with a smile that I would like the movie.

The theater was fairly crowded for a matinee, but as this was a Saturday of the first weekend of the new release, and in a small town, what else is there to do? We chose a seat near the back of the theater and settled ourselves in, with the armrest lifted, and Bella snuggled against my side, my arm around her. Just after the trailers, she crossed one leg over mine and rested her calf on my shin. I smirked at the opportunity, but decided I'd already teased her enough for one day, and pushed away the urge to start moving my leg. I started replaying the scene in the park in my mind gleefully when I smelled it.

With a flash of understanding, the fluctuating hormone levels and the reason she'd smelled different yesterday and today all became clear to me. I usually tried to time my hunting trips around this cycle, not wanting to embarrass her, as she'd know I'd be able to smell it, and not wanting to tempt myself, in case it did have an effect on me. I'd never spent enough time around her during this time of the month to really know how the smell of her menses would affect me, so I really had no idea what the consequences would be.

I glanced over at her quickly, to see if it had registered with her yet. She was completely engrossed in the movie and didn't appear to have noticed the change. It was going to be a surprise to her, I had a feeling. It seemed stronger than any other time I'd smelled it, as did her hormone fluctuations, which were, most times, barely noticeable to me. Luckily, we were in a large, ventilated movie theater with plenty of distractions, so it didn't seem to affect me too much. I did notice that I felt a little fuzzy, like my mind wasn't operating as quickly as it usually did, but other than that, the desire for her blood didn't seem to increase, thank god.

I was trying to focus on the movie, but for some reason, couldn't seem to take my thoughts off of her. Especially the images in my mind that made me feel slightly shameful: the night before, the look of erotic pleasure on her face as she sang that wonderful, strangely appropriate song, and the way she'd thrown her head back with a moan as I'd rubbed her calves in the park. I was becoming aroused at these thoughts, and although I know it was inappropriate for me to continue thinking along these lines, I couldn't help myself. I wanted to relive these moments completely; I wanted to be with her in her room as she sang that song and touched herself. I shook my head at the thought, trying to focus back on the movie. This is not the way to be thinking about her – I should be thinking about all the things I love about her, not all the things I wanted to do _to _her.

I blinked, trying to focus on the guy in tights and a mask on the screen, with little success. I chucked about the tights and mask comment from earlier this morning, and then started to fantasize about dancing with Bella, wearing a mask and a frilly frock, her hair piled on top of her head in ringlets, her dress off the shoulder, divine classical music swirling around us. Even this image was making it difficult to keep my erection problem at bay.

She shifted in her seat to uncross and re-cross her legs when she suddenly sat up straight in her seat. I noticed the sudden movement, but it was the sudden wave of this new scent crashing over me that snapped me out of my daydreaming. I looked at her, her eyes wide, almost in a panic.

She stood up quickly, looked at me apologetically, and whispered, "Human moment, be right back," and practically ran out of the theater, tripping over several patrons' legs on the way out while muttering "damn, damn, damn" under her breath. I felt sorry for her, as I'd seen disasters of all sorts running through many girls' minds in the past concerning this topic. I debated whether to follow her and wait outside the bathroom, but that would probably only embarrass her further, so I sat in the theater alone, waiting for her return.

She came back ten minutes later, grumbling quietly about "podunk freaking town" and "can't even buy a damn tampon in the bathroom" and "who uses pads anymore anyway?" as she excused herself for having to crawl over so many people to get back to her seat. She sat down in a huff and looked at me with an apologetic smile.

"Everything okay?" I asked quietly, knowing the answer by the grimace on her face.

"As good as it can be," she said, shrugging her shoulders and cuddling back into me.

She turned her attention back to the movie, and I turned back to my daydreams. Usually I was much better at pushing these thoughts aside, especially when I was in her company, but for some reason I wanted to focus only on these arousing memories. The movie finally ended and we stood up to leave. She turned to me to ask my opinion and found me staring vacantly into space.

"Earth to Edward. You in there?" she said with a giggle.

"Yes, yes, sorry. What did you ask?" I said.

"I hadn't asked anything yet. That's funny! I've never caught you spacing out before, Mr. Serious," she chuckled, grabbing my hand and heading for the door.

When we made it outside, it had started raining fat, wet blobs of rain, soaking into our hair and clothes. It was chilly and a normal person would've jogged to their car to avoid getting soaked, but Bella knew her limits on gracefulness and thankfully walked quickly by my side. I secretly wondered what Alice had meant by it being sunny today, but maybe the storm would clear later.

Once we were in the car, Bella cranked up the heater as far as it would go and aimed all the vents at her hair. The resultant swirl of her scents around the car made my mouth water and made me feel elated at the same time. Her blood, which had once upon a time threatened to release the monster from its cage, now sang to me with the sweetest loving song. It triggered feelings of love, desire, and happiness. I had transformed from a monster whose killing instincts were once ignited by her scent into a love-struck puppy whose mouth still watered but whose senses were delighted when that familiar fragrance struck me.

She threw the truck in reverse, and chugged out of the parking lot, heading for home. We didn't really talk much, just listened to the rain against the windshield. It was a long drive, but it was comfortable silence. She flicked on the radio to see what was playing and the sun finally came out as the rain stopped and the storm moved on. She looked at me nervously, and I said, "Don't worry, already talked to Alice. No one will see me, we just won't stop anywhere on the way home."

Between the lovely scents floating about the truck and the sun through the window accompanying the blasting heater warming me, I started to feel very strange. One might say extremely relaxed and slightly…fuzzy. It was similar to the way I was feeling in the movie theater, but combined with the heat, the closeness of her, and the small, enclosed environment, I felt like I was weightless, and I couldn't for the life of me push away my daydreams. I wondered if this is how she felt when she was just starting to drift into sleep, in the place between sleep and awake, when waking dreams and images teased her mind.

I should've wanted this trance to end, should've realized that if I were not my most alert at all times, something could happen to Bella and I might not be able to prevent it, as my reflexes seemed to have turned to peanut butter. But I was enjoying this feeling, it made me feel so relaxed and, well…human. I felt like if I closed my eyes long enough, I might be able to sleep.

I reached over and took her hand in mine, smiled at her, and leaned my head against the window, relishing in the warmness of the sun on my face.

"Edward, your hand is warm!" she exclaimed quietly. I turned my head toward her, leaving the back of my head on the warm window, and smiled at her. I was almost too lazy to open my mouth and answer her. What an odd feeling…

"I feel warm. I feel relaxed," I said slowly. She looked concerned for a moment, then flashed me a smile and looked back at the road. As more time passed in the car, I felt more and more relaxed as I stared at her, marveling in her beauty, taking in every curve, every strand of hair, every breath coming through her lips, every pore on her beautiful face. By the time we pulled into her driveway, I felt like my bones had turned to rubber and my insides had turned to jell-o.

She let go of my hand to turn off the car, and turned and looked at me, studying my expression. She laughed nervously at my stare and said, "You know, I know you've been staring at me for the last half hour. Anything I should know? Like, I'm growing horns or there are lobsters crawling out of my ears? What, my love, do you find so interesting?"

"You," I said, simply, with love. I slowly scooted toward her, reached over, cupping her cheek in my hand, and stroked her cheekbone. "You," I said again, then leaned forward to kiss her softly. She leaned into my kiss, returning my gentle affection with her own warm lips and small sigh. It made me want to continue kissing her forever, so I decided that's what I'd do. Just kiss her forever.

She moved her hands to my face and then around my neck as I continued to kiss her softly, without hurry, each kiss full of more love than the one before. Her lips began to move against mine more firmly, with intent. She shifted in her seat and a new scent hit me – her arousal. It was like something flipped a switch in my brain; my hand moved quickly, unbuckling her seatbelt and pulling her onto my lap in one swift move, one knee on each side of my hips, never breaking the kiss. She pulled back from me for a second, taking in her surroundings, and I snuck in a deep breath. With her so close to me, and her legs open across my lap, all her scents were pure and overwhelmingly delicious.

"Hello, there. How'd I get here?" she said with a devilish smile.

"Well, you were so far away…" I said, softly. She cocked her head and looked confused for a moment, but then leaned in again and kissed me, sneaking her hands into my hair. I loved when she wove her fingers into my hair that way, it made my scalp tingle. The heat of her hands and her lips against mine made me feel almost flushed. And then there was the glorious space between her legs, just above where her bum was resting on my thighs that was emanating the most amazing, intoxicating cloud of womanly scents.

I kissed her passionately, but still gently, letting her know that everything I said was true. I felt her heart skip and her breath hitch as our lips touched, and felt her melt into me. I slid my hands to her shoulders, around her back, down her sides to her hips, and rested them there just before I slid them just slightly under her shirt. She gasped quietly and shivered, but I was sure my hands were warm and she was responding to my touch, not my temperature. I moved my hands under her shirt, up her back just a few inches, and then back down to her hips. Her skin felt so marvelous to me, I wanted to touch her everywhere.

She was kissing me a little more intently now, and although I was definitely aroused, I wasn't feeling desperate for more, or afraid that the animal in me would rear its ugly, forceful head. I ran my hands up and down her back again and kissed her with more passion, but still slowly and lovingly. She gripped my neck, pressing her lips to me harder. I felt like I was in a completely relaxed place and even if she became more forceful, I could maintain this state of mind.

It was with that slow realization that I moved my right hand out from under her shirt, up her back, to her shoulder, and then her neck. I pulled back and looked at her, eyes closed, lips parted, breathing her delicious, unsteady breath into my face. I moved my right hand up to her check and slowly dragged my thumb over her lips. I shuddered at the erotic sight before me and wanted nothing more than to really kiss her. It wasn't a decision in the sense that before a moment in time I wasn't going to do it and then suddenly my mind gave me the okay to move ahead and do it. It just happened, and I knew it.

I leaned forward and kissed her again, and even though my Bella pushed my limitations from time to time, she kept her wits about her and never had pushed the kissing thing. She knew I couldn't let my teeth get too close to her tongue or her lips, and she always respected it. I was going to throw her for a loop now, and chuckled internally in anticipation. The feeling of her against me was overwhelming by itself, and I was amazed I could think about doing this while her lovely self was pressed up against me.

I moved my right thumb to the corner of her mouth, and ever so slightly pressed there and kissed her at the same time. Her lips automatically parted and I heard her eyes fly open. I kept mine closed and continued to slowly kiss her, sliding my hand back down to her neck. She eventually closed her eyes and even though her heart was thumping like it was about to take off, she continued to kiss me, her kisses more urgent than before. She was so lovely, so tempting, so beautiful. The way she felt against me made my dead heart ache.

I slowly moved my tongue to her lips and licked her bottom lip. She gasped, but remained still. I kissed her again, licking her lower lip, and then slowly moved my tongue into her mouth, tentatively touching her tongue with mine. She moaned into my mouth then, unable to keep still anymore. Her moan made me twitch and she tightened her arms around my neck, pulling me into her, and started moving her tongue against mine.

I moved mine in time with hers, slowly. Her blood was pumping, and her hands were frantically roaming from my back to my hair to my neck to my cheeks. I could feel her pulse against my hand, and it felt like a metronome for our kisses. It would have been too quick for one beat per kiss, so I kept it half-time: slow and lazy. I felt like I could kiss her like this for days. She became more and more animated as our tongues continued to dance, and the smell of her arousal strengthened and permeated the small space of the truck cab. She sat up slightly on her knees, trying to pull me closer.

I slowly moved my hands down her back again, to her hips, and let my fingers graze the side of her thighs and then the back of her knees, and then, hesitantly, with just the tips of my fingers, I stroked the back of her calves. She let out a gasp, broke away from my kiss, and threw her head back with a small moan. That sound was like an electric jolt through me. I wanted to hear it again and again.

She grabbed my hair, looked into my eyes, and then kissed me with as much fervor as I'd ever been party to. She didn't try to force her tongue into my mouth, a move for which I was grateful, so I responded, slowed her kisses slightly, and then pushed my tongue back into her mouth gently.

She finally slowed her kisses, and when we were back in our slow, sensual rhythm, I started to draw light circles on her calves with my fingertips. She moaned again, making the bulge in my pants harden farther, but she tried to restrain herself from speeding up our pace. I was in pure heaven. I was so turned on, but I knew I could continue the lazy, slow pace. It was a mystery to me how this was possible, but I shoved that – and any – thought from my brain as I was completely enveloped in the taste, the feel, the sound, and the smell of her. She was like a cloud in my brain sending electricity through me and making me feel things I'd never thought possible.

Her pulse was quickening with each circle on her calves, and her breath was coming raggedly in through her nose. She seemed so breathless I thought maybe I should pull away for a moment, although I wanted to feel her tongue against mine for eternity.

I looked at her face, eyes still closed, gasping for air, and smiled at her. All I could do was marvel at this moment and the feelings that were coursing through me. I ached to tell her how I felt, so I opened my mouth, surprised to hear myself say, "I want to touch your face, your hair, your beautiful body all the time. You're all I think about, and I daydream about you when I'm not with you. Sometimes I daydream about you when I'm with you and can't have you in my arms." It all tumbled out of me without a second thought. It's like I opened my mouth and every thought that entered my brain leaked out my mouth. Her eyes were like truth serum and a catalyst to talk all at the same time, even if she was still panting. I leaned in and kissed her slowly, tenderly.

After a few moments, she pushed back gently. I almost didn't let her go; I wanted the drug that had become her kiss to never end.

"Edward…wow, um…" she said, as she collected her thoughts and tried to slow her breathing. "You make me feel so, so amazing. I feel those same things about you, you know. I'm just…are you okay? It's not like you to be so open and chatty about how you are feeling while you are feeling it. And those kisses, way beyond your boundaries. Not that I don't love this, I truly, truly do. I love when you can just open up and tell me everything and I feel you giving me everything. It gives me a little window to your brain that you don't open up very often."

She stroked my forehead and my cheeks, and said quietly, evenly, "But, you're…well, you're slurring your words a bit and you had the goofiest grin on your face the whole way home. Are you okay?"

I smiled at her concern and her words. So, the relaxed fuzzy feeling was really affecting me enough for her to notice. _Interesting_, I thought, I wonder if something truly physical was happening to me. I only wanted to know, though, in case I could figure out a way to make it last.

"Bella," I said, as I pulled back and looked into her eyes, "you are the most amazing person that has ever existed." Her gaze made me want to tell her everything I had ever felt about her, how she looked today, how she made me feel, how I was hers, entirely.

"You are so beautiful that it leaves me breathless over and over," I said as I stroked her cheekbones with my thumbs. "I want to kiss you forever. I want to feel you in my arms every second of every day." I started to move my hands through her hair, grazing her neck or her shoulder with each stroke.

"Edward, you make me so…crazy. I want you in my arms forever, too. But I'm really quite concerned that you're not your normal, stringent self right now. Are you sure you're feeling okay?"

I chucked, and stroked her face. "I do feel like I'm in somewhat of a daze. Like my brain is fuzzy with you, your taste, your smell…but it's a wonderful feeling and I don't want it to end. I feel intoxicated by you and I really do feel like I can keep kissing you forever _and _keep the lustful animal at bay. It's like I'm floating but still in control…"

Her expression was slightly shocked. "Why do you feel that way? When did it start? And…did you just say you were a lustful animal?" she said with a surprised smirk.

"It started…well, it started when your hormones started changing yesterday, and then I really started feeling fuzzy when your…when we were in the movie theater." I didn't want to embarrass her by talking about her menstrual cycle and what effect it was having on me. It didn't bother me at all, but I knew she would find it an undesirable conversation topic. "That change, plus your other…scents, the enclosed space, the marvelous warmth from the sun, the heater, you being so close to me…"

"So, you mean to say…that um, the way I smell when I'm having my period," she blushed and looked away, nervously, "combined with the feeling of warmth and nearness to some…stimulation…makes you feel…stoned?" she looked incredulous, embarrassed and something else. Was that…excitement in her eyes?

"Well, I've never been stoned, but now that you say it, and I think about the way other people's minds work and the type of thoughts they have when they're stoned…Yes, I guess that is how I feel. That, plus chatty, to use your word, but really it feels like I'm chatty with no filter." I stroked her face, not wanting to stop touching her for one second, and not thinking for one second that I was saying too much.

I leaned in to kiss her again, and for the first time ever, she avoided it by pulling back. "So, Edward, are you telling me that this is the uncensored version of you coming through?"

"I guess so; it feels like whatever shows up in my brain right now seems to come out my mouth. Like mental diarrhea," I chuckled. I leaned in this time, to kiss her, but teased her lips with my tongue and moved my hands on her calves at the same time.

She hissed from a sharp intake of breath. "Edward, are you trying to kill this conversation on purpose? Are you trying to seduce me out of continuing my line of questioning? We still have yet to address your lustful animal comment," she said, with an eyebrow arched, but her eyes half-lidded and her breath coming quicker.

"Who me? No, I think I was just trying to get you to kiss more and talk less," I said, slightly shocked at my own words as I heard them spoken aloud. The filter in my brain really was NOT working.

"Reeeeally!" she said with disbelief and a mischievous smile. "Kiss more and talk less? Wow, don't think I'd ever expect that to come out of your mouth! I think I like Stoned Edward," she giggled, and teased me with a kiss. "But I really want to expand on this lustful animal thing. Maybe we can compromise. You," she said, pointing at me, "talk. I'll kiss," she said as she leaned forward and began nuzzling my neck, then licking and kissing her way up to my ear.

"Uh…um…" I started, closing my eyes and reveling in the feeling of her lips and tongue on me in this way. "So yesterday, when I got a little…carried away," my voice was shaking as she moved her mouth to my earlobe and sucked on it. "I…uh…wasn't doing a very good job at keeping the animal part of me – the one that comes out when I'm not keeping my emotions and actions under control – away from you. The animal and the predator are very close friends and I have to keep them under control. I uh…" she started nibbling on my earlobe and I lost all train of thought.

The haze seemed to have thickened and I was finding it hard to concentrate. "I…I wanted you. I wanted to take you, make you mine, like an animal, like a man whose control is thrown to the wind and is acting on testosterone alone. I wanted all of you, and was going to take it…" my hands slipped to her hips and tightened around them as she licked and nibbled on my neck. The animal was definitely at bay, but my arousal was becoming harder and harder to ignore.

She slid her lips up and whispered in my ear, "I would've let you, you know, and it wasn't because you were dazzling me, Mr. Vampire. It was because I wanted it, I wanted you, too." I trembled at the feeling of her breath in my ear. She was revving up my libido with her words and her lips. Her hands were running up and down my chest now, as she nibbled on my earlobe again. I started to shudder with the feelings her hands were awakening in me.

"So, one more question: why do you keep touching my calves?" she stopped everything she was doing and looked me square in the eye. My eyes were half shut in ecstasy and I winced at the sudden loss of contact. Nothing made it past her, she was always tripping me up when I thought I was so sneaky.

"What do you mean? I've touched you in lots of places today…" I said, half-heartedly trying to hide what I knew. It was hard to be sneaky with all these feelings swirling around in my head.

"I mean, sir, that you seem to be touching my calves more than normal today, and that you may have figured out that I really, really like it. Is that true?" she asked pointedly.

"Well, uh, yes." Did I just say yes? What was I thinking?

"And you knew that before the little massage in the park?" she asked, smirking again, and staring right through me.

I squirmed, looking away from her, trying to think up something to say. She pulled my chin back around to look at her again. I was at a loss of what to say, except the truth. What was wrong with me? This Bella-drug _was_ turning out to be a truth serum.

"Yes," I said, hesitantly, but not being able to keep a stupid grin off my face. It made me so happy that I knew how to make her moan like she had in the park.

"And, so how did you figure that out?" she looked directly into me again.

"Uh…well…" I didn't want to tell her everything she'd said in her sleep, or that I'd asked her questions she'd answered in her sleep, so I tried to just answer the question posed. "You were talking in your sleep the other night, and….mentioned something about it."

"Ah-ha. And, what exactly, pray tell, did I say? Word-for-word, please." Oh boy, was I in it now. I couldn't think of anything creative enough to say, with her swirling smells and her soft hair and her beautiful eyes boring into me. I felt like mush.

"Uh…well, you said…" I started, not being able to think of anything to tell her except the truth. "You said…" I had to figure out how to avoid telling her the first part that had caused me to pose her the question while she slept. Then I had it – I'd just tell her the second part! "You said, 'I love it when you run your smooth hands up and down my calves.'" I looked hesitantly into her eyes, hoping she wouldn't ask what prompted those words.

"Oh, okay," she said, blushing and looking away. She knew I had a perfect memory and had told her what she'd asked for, word-for-word. "Well, I guess I asked for it then," she said, smiling sheepishly, looking back at me. "Anything else I said that night I should know about before you render me a pile of moaning mush in a park again?"

If I could've blushed right then, I would've. How was I going to answer THIS question? "Well, nothing I would ever do to you in public," I said, before my mind had a chance to stop me. The words just fell out of my mouth before I could edit them. Her eyebrows immediately went up, the blush returned to her cheeks with a fury, and she pursed her lips.

"And that would be…?" she said, demanding an answer, even though she was obviously embarrassed. I was trapped. This stupid stupor I found myself in had just allowed me to box myself into a corner, to dig myself a hole, to my mouth and insert foot to ankle. There was no way out. Could I even say the word "nipples" to her? No, no I couldn't.

"Uhh…" I stuttered, not knowing what to do, and not wanting to open my mouth any longer, for fear the word would come tumbling out. My brain was racing, a mile a minute, trying to find a way out of this one. I had to find anything else to do or say but the truth; anything to not have to discuss something that would not only make me nervous, but embarrass the hell out of her.

Then, it came to me in a flash: a way out. And, a way to something I'd always secretly dreamed about doing to her. Something I'd pushed from my mind so many times, thinking it ungentlemanly behavior, but something that now, in my new state of mind, didn't seem so wrong or so inappropriate, or so…out of bounds anymore. Something that excited me and something I believed I could do and keep myself under control long enough to do it. And for some reason, I didn't think it would offend her to try. Normally, I would think she would be shocked and offended if I tried, but now it seemed to me that that had been a silly idea – it was perfectly natural and it wasn't like we had to be married to do that. At least not above the clothes, right?

"Edward? What else did I say? The suspense is killing…and embarrassing me," she said, pleadingly.

"Well, my beautiful siren, what if I showed you instead of telling you?" I said as seductively as I could muster. I looked at her, feeling the lust and anticipation building within me, and smiled intensely at her.

"Well, I guess so…I mean, if you're going to dazzle me and all…" she said, a dazed look in her eyes.

"I don't want to dazzle you into letting me do this, Bella. I just felt like…the way things are going so…well, wonderfully sensual AND safe today, it might be a good time to try," I said honestly, but not revealing that it was also something I wanted very, very badly.

"Well, in that case, Mr. Smooth, have at it. I'm all about the direction things are going today," she said, quietly, looking up at me from under her thick lashes.

"Mr. Smooth, huh?" I said, leaning in to kiss her again with a little more passion than I normally started out with. She responded immediately and opened her mouth, licking my lips, teasing me, asking me to deepen the kiss. I opened my mouth and once again, tasted her sweet lips, then her tongue, pulsing with her heartbeat, covered in the sweetness that was the essence of her scent. We kissed that way for several minutes when I finally broke the kiss and moved to kiss her neck.

"I thought we were going to try something new?" she said shakily, breathing in deeply, trying to catch her breath.

"Patience, my love, is a virtue, and I don't like to dive head-first into new things. Consider this a warm-up round," I said between kisses. I licked her neck and reveled in the taste. I moved to the place where her pulse pounded the loudest and teased myself licking and kissing it. I could smell her becoming aroused, and feel her begin to tremble as I started rubbing her calves with my fingertips again. When her breath became ragged and she'd dropped her head back is when I decided to make my move.

I slid my hands up to the sides of her thighs, then her hips, ever so slowly. I moved my lips back to her mouth and kissed her with more intensity. I started to tremble with anticipation myself, and kissed her even harder, still being careful not to hurt her. I moved my hands up from her waist, up her stomach, lightly, teasing her with my touch through the thin material of her tee shirt. I raised them to her rib cage, leaving them there for a moment so that she would realize where I was going and give her time to stop me if she wanted.

I felt it when she realized my destination, and her response definitely did NOT say stop. She moved her hands into my hair and pushed me harder to her mouth, kissing me frantically. I slowly moved my hands up and to the underside of her breasts, shuddering when I made contact. I moved them lightly up and over them, and then back down, to cup them with both hands. She sighed into my mouth and pushed herself into my hands.

I thought my control would crumble at that sigh, it was so powerful, and went straight to my pants. I was so hard now I started to become concerned my zipper would bust. I continued my kisses, trying to slow her frantic pace, but in vain. Her hands were suddenly everywhere, it seemed, and she pushed into me again.

I started to lightly grasp her and reveled in the feeling. Then I slowly moved my thumbs across her nipples. She gasped into my kiss and pulled away from my mouth to moan. I did it again, and the same response was elicited from her perfect mouth. I leaned forward to capture her lips again and continued to move my thumbs back and forth across her nipples, then squeezing ever so slightly. She was whimpering now, and began to push the rest of her body toward me. We were both starting to pant between kisses and I knew I would have to eventually stop what was going on before things went to far, but I didn't want to end this feeling, this pleasure.

"Bella," I said in a whispered plea as I pulled my lips away for a moment. "Bella, this is what you said you wanted me to do."

"Oh, yes, please, oh, Edward, don't stop, don't ever stop," she whimpered, her eyes still closed.

"I know, love, I want to do this forever, but I think it's not really prudent for me to be touching you this way for the rest of time in your driveway…" I said, not wanting in any way to be uttering those words, but not being able to stop the truth.

I slowly moved my hands around to her back and hugged her to me, stroking her hair with one hand, trying to catch my breath. I whispered to her how much I loved her and thanking her for letting me do that marvelous thing, over and over.

She whimpered and then sighed, trying to regain her composure. The irony that was my life then reared its ugly head as the song that came on the radio next was the one she had danced to the evening before, "Sex is on Fire".

She sighed and pulled back, rolled her eyes to the ceiling and said, "REALLY? I mean, REALLY?" in a frustrated tone.

"What's wrong, love? I like this song," I chuckled to myself.

"Nothing, nothing. I love it, actually. It surprises me that you like it. It's not really something I could see you listening to…"

"Well, it makes me think of you." _Oh, God did I just say that? What is wrong with me!?!?!?! It's this damn truth serum swirling around me._

"What?" she said in quiet shock, eyes wide and staring at me.

"It's a beautiful, sexy song," I said as I stroked her hair, "like you…beautiful and sexy."

"You think of me that way? You think of me when you hear this song?" she asked, disbelieving.

"Oh, yes, I absolutely do. I can almost feel you dancing, your body pressed to mine, when I hear this song and close my eyes," I said as I closed my eyes and saw how she'd moved the night before, and imagining how she'd move against me. I sighed and then quickly realized I had said that out loud.

"You imagine me dancing?" she said, with a gulp. _Oh, crap, it's going to slip out and she's going to know that I saw her last night. How do I get out of this?!?_

**Author's Note: Okay, so this is the chapter that never wanted to end. I had to finally just cut the sucker off and this seemed as good a spot as any, so there will probably be a part II. Please review and let me know what you think!!! And, sorry for the long wait – things have been incredibly nutty in the last three weeks, and, well, I find extreme nuttiness a poor muse. Moderate nuttiness, though, I'm all about…**


	8. Ch8: Hazy Daze Part Deux

**Author's Note: SO! The long-awaited "part deux" of Hazy Daze. I hope it met your expectations, after waiting SO LONG for it! Don't forget to leave me a review and tell me what you think!**

**Also, disclaimer: This applies to all chapters! I don't own squat as far as Twilight goes! I DO own a snoogle that my husband thinks I secretly named Edward.**

**Hazy Daze Part Deux**

I looked into her eyes and whispered, "Oh yes, you dancing has recently become a favorite fantasy of mine," I said, as I kissed her tenderly.

"You fantasize about me?" she said, hesitantly, pulling back to look in my eyes.

"Mmmmm," I said, my voice deepening with the memory of the previous night's scenario flooding over me. I brushed the hair out of her face and held her cheeks in my palms. "Of course I do. How could I be around such an attractive, tempting seductress like yourself and not fantasize about you?" _ Okay, Edward, stop talking. STOP. NOW._

"And…what do you fantasize about besides me dancing?" she said, blushing but holding my gaze.

_Just avoid the question, Edward. Come up with something witty. _"Our wedding night," I said, mentally kicking myself for it.

"Really?" she said. She seemed to be admitting something to me – and to herself – with that word. "You really fantasize about that?"

"Bella, you do realize that I am…well…still living inside a 17-year-old's body, right? And we've made a decision to wait until our wedding night. So, what else would I fantasize about?" I said, chuckling. _WHY did I just say that? Maybe continuing to be in her presence like this is a bad, bad idea. What is wrong with me?!_

Her blush flushed her cheeks and her lips turned up into a huge grin and her eyes glinted wickedly. "Jesus, you are beautiful," I said. I felt like I was surrounded by her – her beautiful face, her tender smile, her warm, supple body, her smells… I breathed in again, and felt the fuzzy feeling seep into my brain even further. I would tell her anything she wanted to know regardless of what my conscience screamed at me. I wouldn't trade this feeling for the world, not when I could be so physically close to her and not have to fight my inner demon or the beast that wanted to take her so completely.

"Edward…when you, uh…fantasize about me…" she started, looking down at my chest as she traced her fingers up and down my neck, "do you…uh…." she was obviously too embarrassed to continue her train of thought.

I put my finger under her chin and tilted her eyes back to mine. "Bella, you can ask me anything, really."

"I know," she said, "I should be able to say anything, we're going to be married in a few weeks." She stirred up her courage and started again, the wicked, determined glint returning to her eyes this time. "Edward, do you touch yourself when you fantasize about me?"

_Anything but that. Run. Away. Run Away NOW. _I knew that I should be able to tell her anything but I didn't want to admit spying on her. "Well…" I began, hypnotized by her eyes. I took a deep breath, my senses newly overcome with the fuzzy, lovely feeling. _I love her, tell her anything she wants to know. _"Yes, I have. Once."

"Once?" she said, "Only one time in over ninety years?"

"Yes. I wasn't really…interested before. I've been bombarded with sexual thoughts from every direction for as long as I can remember, even in my own home. I've never felt the attraction that would personalize those thoughts for me before I met you. Not that there weren't times when I became…aroused at certain thoughts, but I never had someone capture my attention before. I never had someone of my own to star in those fantasies. Now I can't seem to make it through a day without taking someone else's fantasy and inserting you in the starring role." I flinched, knowing that I'd just disclosed way too much information, but couldn't keep my mouth closed.

"And knowing that you're my singer…well, it was hard for me to imagine any fantasy from start to finish without something going…going wrong." I choked out.

She sighed, reaching up and touching my face, running her hands through my hair, her thumbs over my eyebrows, looking at me with such love. "I'm so sorry you constantly have to fight that. It's so ironic, isn't it?" She leaned forward and kissed both my eyelids closed. "So, what happened that one time? Did it end badly for me in your fantasy?" She shivered at the thought, but then reassured me: "It's okay, Edward, I know it's not your fault feeling that way. But I do wish you had a little more faith in yourself."

I was hoping with that last thought she'd forgotten her question and I could get out of it. But, much to my dismay, she again prodded, "So, what did you think about that one time?"

I knew I couldn't lie to her, but I didn't want to embarrass her – or me. "You…"

"Yes, me?" she coaxed, kissing my lips softly, surrounding me with her scent as her hair fell forward with her kiss.

"You…" I stalled again, wishing I could cleanse my senses and get out of this, but deep down I _wanted_ to tell her. I wanted her to know how fantastic it was, watching her, the way she made me feel, the way _I_ made me feel…

I was lost in her gaze, not able to find a way out. She smiled, kissing me softly again. "You…pleasuring yourself." I winced, knowing that even though I'd only told her part of the truth, that she might find my imagining this vulgar.

"Really?" she sounded…delighted? "That's…fantastic." _WHAT?_

"Fantastic?" I stuttered. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you find me…what was your word? Oh, yes, _tempting_ enough to fantasize about me…pleasuring myself. That makes me feel…well, it feels like a compliment." She half-chuckled nervously and blushed. "Did you really find it that…interesting…to make it the backdrop for your first time?"

"Oh, interesting is the least dramatic way I would describe it, rest assured," I said. It had been overwhelming, really. I closed my eyes, relishing again in the scene in my head, feeling myself being taken away in it.

"Edward…?"

"Yes," I muttered, not opening my eyes.

"What are you thinking about right now?" she said with a nervous lilt in her voice.

"Oh, uh, sorry," I said, turning my attention back to her, opening my eyes.

"Were you just now thinking about it again?" she asked, her eyes wide.

"Well…" I began, "it's such a wonderful thing to see when I close my eyes…" I was really in it deep now. In a minute, it's all going to come spilling out of me, the entirety of events from last night, and she'd think me a pervert.

"Edward, I've…daydreamed about you pleasuring yourself, too," she admitted carefully.

"What? Really?" I asked, stunned.

"Yes…I find it incredibly arousing to think of you doing that. But I've never really pleasured myself…until last night, that is. But last night I was thinking about what things might've been like if you hadn't left when you did."

"So…so was I," I said, hesitantly. I felt another rush of want and nostalgia for the vision from last night, it made me tremble. She had to know that I didn't want to reject her last night – that she was completely irresistible. I had to tell her at least _that_. "I wanted you so, so badly, I couldn't stop thinking about it – how beautiful you were with your face flushed, your heart racing, your hands in my hair…"

I couldn't help myself, spilling forth everything I had been thinking. It felt so good to tell her, and for some reason I wasn't embarrassed to admit all these things, which was odd for me. I was usually so much more reserved, but I felt so at ease spilling my guts to her suddenly. It couldn't just be the environment and the fuzzy feeling. Could it? Oh, god, her heart was beating even faster. It was hypnotizing. I mean, I could stop anytime I wanted to, right? I just didn't want to just yet…not when her breaths were coming so quickly and her arousal becoming so pungent.

"I was overwhelmed with how intimate we were with you pressed against me so tightly that we were breathing each other's air. God, it's all I could do to keep myself from taking you, making you mine. I wanted nothing more. Your warm body pressed against me, the silky feeling of your skin just above your waist. The way your mouth – ugh, I thought I couldn't possibly be more aroused. And then, seeing you, touching yourself – " _SHIT. Shit shit shit shit shit! Did I say it out loud? I did. Shit. Damage control Edward! Evaluate the situation; see if it registered with her._

I peeked at her. Her eyes had widened, her mouth was agape. _Um, yeah…it registered._

"What do you mean 'seeing me, touching myself'?" she squeaked. Her cheeks were crimson and she was trembling just slightly.

_Okay, Edward, LIE. If there's anytime to do it, do it now. Save your own ass. _"I…I meant…um…" _Shit, why can't I lie to this woman? She's like a freaking snake charmer and I'm under her spell. Damn it, focus! _"I…"

"Edward? Tell me, seriously, stop stalling." She searched my eyes, demanding the truth. "Whatever it is, we can't keep secrets from each other. We're going to be married, like you said, no secrets." I was trying so hard to keep my wits about me, but it was desperately hard with her eyes boring into me like that. _Desperately hard, yes. I was getting there…_

"Bella-" I was fully prepared to lie, so I took a deep breath, conjured the lie in my head, reigned in my demeanor, and let loose the full-blown dazzle on her – eyes, smile, breath, everything – and said, "I never left the tree outside your window last night. I saw you…" I stammered, as my voice broke, "oh, god, I saw you…and it was more erotic than anything I could've ever dreamed up on my own." _WHAT? WHAT!?!?! Where did that word vomit come from? That was in no way what I was planning to say. SHIT. I'm done for, now. How could I have just said that? I have to get out of here, she's going to freak out on me. What is wrong with me?_

Her eyes grew impossibly large. Her cheeks were aflame, her mouth open in a perfect "O" shape. _ Those beautiful lips…"O" shape…her warm mouth…how would it feel to – STOP IT! I'm already hard and if I get any harder, and she moves forward and a little to the left, I'm done for._

She was still staring at me. How long had it been? Time is so difficult to gage when you're senses are fogged and you're about to be verbally brow beaten.

"Bella? Bella?! Please, say something. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to see everything. I was just trying to calm myself – regain my wits – outside your window. And then you were so angry, and I felt so bad about having to leave, I wanted to go back inside to tell you, but I was so…so desperately aroused, I didn't trust myself to go back in. I felt reckless, out of control. And then you started dancing…and if it was even possible, it made me want you even more. I was about to leave, and then I noticed you were wearing my boxers, and that was so hot I couldn't turn away. And then that song…it was like it was made for us in that moment. I wanted you so badly…and when you started to touch yourself, I couldn't possibly leave. I was hypnotized by you. I ached to be there with you, be the one touching you…with my hand in place of yours…oh, god, or my mouth…"

I forced my mouth closed at that, realizing her expression had sunk from completely shocked, to angered – or was that appalled – to even more shocked with a fierce blush. My breaths were coming in pants at the recreation of the scene in my head. I was so hard, I wanted to sob. She was right here in front of me, and I could touch her. I wanted to touch her.

_Why couldn't I just stop at "I'm sorry, Bella"? The rest just kept coming. Maybe if I try again, beg for forgiveness… _"Bella? I'm – I'm sorry." Finally, the shock left her face. She closed her eyes a moment and breathed deeply – smoothly on the way in, ragged on the way out.

"I don't know what to say. I should be angry, but I find myself…flattered? Turned on. Anxious, embarrassed…frustrated," she said, looking down, sighing. She opened her eyes again, then brought them up to my face. "Edward, I'm…I…I don't know what I am."

She put her thumbs on my cheekbones, stroking them, then dragged her fingertips down my neck – eliciting a shiver from me – over my collarbone, over _my_ nipples – an action that created a electric spark and a reaction south of my belt while eliciting a gasp from me – down my abdomen, finally resting at the waist of my jeans. "I do know one thing. Either here, now, or later, tonight, I am going to get something for my emotional distress." She smiled deviously. I knitted my brown in confusion, wondering what she could possibly be insinuating.

Low and behold, I once again underestimated Bella. What she said next urged me to make a mental note to listen to Carlisle more often when he made comments like "times have changed" and "modern women".

"Either now, here, or later tonight, in my bedroom I'm going to get something in return for your little lapse in discretion," she said, tracing her fingertips horizontally above my waistband.

I cocked an eyebrow, desperate to know.

"You're going to masturbate," she said triumphantly, without flinching, and then smiled hugely, "and _I'm_ going to watch this time."

**Author's Note: **

**DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN! OH how I love to make Edward nervous! It thrills me so. Anyway, I hope this chapter flowed well with the last – it was written MANY moons after "Part I", so I was really striving to keep the heat going. :) Sorry no lemons this time around – but you can see what the next chapter might possibly have in store!**

**I also hope I kept as close to character as possible, given the subject matter! Please, leave me a review or two! I live for them, as I don't have a beta and this is the only feedback I have to go on!**

So, next chapter should be a DOOZY!


	9. Ch9:A Room Of Her Own

**Author's Note: **

**Okay, long-ASS time comin', I know, but it's HERE! Finally! And it's REALLY long. And I really, really hope you like it. I've been distracted for the last couple of months… submitted a one-shot called The Hummer to the DILF contest and won a "judges award" from Ninapolitan, which made my freaking MONTH! (Go read it if you haven't yet! I think it's a good time…I enjoyed writing it!)**

**Let's see…what else…OH! Changed my penname. Yeah. SURPRISE! Lovedwardtwlt seemed so….vanilla bean. NOT that I don't like vanilla bean…but I was ready for some Karamel Sutra Ben & Jerry's style. SO! MaBarberElla, it is, then. :D **

**Also… after months of saying, "I'm already too connected, I don't need another method to send people messages," I finally broke down and opened a Twitter account. Yeah…so you can follow me there if you like under mabarberella.**

**What else? OH! This other little thing I've gotten involved in… If you haven't heard about The Fandom Gives Back yet, well…get out from under that rock!! This fundraising event is a magnificent channel for the Twilight Fandom to finally use the power of our community for something wonderful and funnel our passion for writing and reading into something tangible for those in need. All the money raised through this event is donated directly to Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation, a charity started by a little girl with cancer who wanted to empower herself against her disease and actively be involved with working toward a cure. Please see the Fandom Gives Back website for more information.**

The main website: www(dot)thefandomgivesback(dot)com _---remove the (dot)s and replace with ._

**NOW, having said ALL THAT (I know, you wait forever for a freaking chapter, and then I write an author's note a mile long – how irritating!!), many authors are auctioning off stories for dollars. I'm up on the auction block with t****wo one-shots available for $50/ea. I will write ANYthing (gulp). That includes ANYTHING you want out of this story. You want something from Bella's point of view – previous, current, or new chapter? I'll do it. You want to hear more about how this story affects a different character? Done. You want me to fast-forward to the wedding night? Promise, I'll do it. You want to own chapter 10 and never share it? It's ALL YOURS.**

**Anything also includes any iterations of any other story I've written (or have yet to write!) You want to see The Hummer from Carlisle's POV? WILL DO! You want me to write the "next night" (or chapter 2) for Eve of Forever? Done! You name it, I'm your beotch. For a measly 50 dollars. That's a night out at dinner for two people, people! COME ON! :D For this price, you can skip the dinner, read the one-shot I write for your significant other, and then have a night in!! OR have HIM read it! Hmm…. (By the way, that makes a great night in…works out well for everyone in the end. Er…not that I've done it or anything…uh….yeah.) Here's my page on the auction site:**

www(dot)tiny(dot)cc/wCwoI _---remove the (dot)s and replace with ._

**SO…BID! Donate! Even if it's not on my schtuff – there's a TON of talented authors still up for bid and a plethora of other amazing stuff. 100 Monkeys meet & greet passes, FF fangirl t-shirts, messenger bags, etc. signed by authors, Twilight merch signed by the celebs – a TON of options for all sizes of donations! Something I've already "purchased" via donation is the Love Bites cookbook, all recipes provided by authors (I submitted 3 myself) – for just $20! Here's the main auction page:**

www(dot)thefandomgivesback(dot)proboards(dot)com _---remove the (dot)s and replace with ._

**NOW. PHEW! ON WITH THE SHOW!!!!!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own squat as far as Twilight goes! DUH!**

**A Room of Her Own**

**I stared at Bella with wide eyes. She couldn't be serious about this. **"You're going to touch yourself and _I'm_ going to watch this time," she had said. Where did this provocative creature come from? What happened to my shy, innocent Bella who, although her blood boiled and she shook with want when we kissed, blushed at even the hint of more intimate acts if spoken aloud (usually by Emmett)? Well, she was definitely gone – on vacation or permanently left the zip code, I'm not sure, but regardless, I am now stuck with one hell of a vixen for a fiancé.

NOT that I am by ANY means complaining. This new Bella amazed to me. She was still innocent, yet knew what she wanted and was actually telling me. I feel like we'd passed some sort of obstacle in our relationship, and although it was new and scary to have such free conversation about such private, intimate things, it was such a relief! We were not only lovers-to-be, I felt like we'd become confidants and better friends – more open and honest – than we had ever been.

But the idea of doing what she'd asked seemed impossible to me. It took me over one hundred years to get to a point where I could touch myself alone, how was I going to possibly do this in front of _her_? I had to find a way to argue with her about this, but I was left with no defendable point of view that would win. I had watched her – without her permission – and now she wanted me to allow her the same opportunity. Confused and agitated, I couldn't conjure one lonely reason why she would want to do such a thing. It's a vulgar, shameful act – why would she want to bear witness?

"Bella, I know you're upset, but I really don't think-"

"No, Edward, you don't get to argue this one. I am going to watch you and you are going to let me." Her voice cracked on the last word, and she swallowed thickly.

"But…why?" I couldn't keep my curiosity to myself.

Her eyes searched mine for a few moments, as if she was trying to find an explanation for what had urged me to ask the question. Not seeming to find what she was looking for, she shook her head, and a slight smile played at her lips. "For exactly the same reason you wanted to watch me, Edward."

My jaw unhinged and I stared at her, disbelievingly. She leaned forward, threading her hands in my hair, sending tingling sensations throughout my nerve endings, and pressed her chest to mine, seemingly to meld our bodies together. I could feel her nipples, still engorged with blood and rock-hard, pressing against my chest through my shirt, creating two delicious points of heat against my cold skin. She placed her lips on mine, just barely, and whispered, "Because I think it would be incredibly arousing to watch you pleasure yourself…so much so that I'm having a hard time not crossing some of your self-imposed limits right now just thinking about it," and then kissed me with such passion I was almost pulled from my relaxed state back into my beastly mindset of the night before.

Without thinking, I took a startled breath in, and was hit with a new, more potent wave of my Bella-drug that sent my head spinning, my nerves tingling, and my venom coursing through my lower regions. I slid my tongue into her mouth, again reeling at the sensation, which was all still so new, and kissed her back – thoroughly. She whimpered and pulled herself closer, wiggling and adjusting as if she wanted to crawl inside of me. I sighed at the pleasant thought of what it might be like if I could take her inside of me, envelop her with what I felt for her in such away that she was perfectly protected, loved, and content.

"Okay," I conceded, not without hesitation.

"Okay?" she pulled away, breathlessly looking at me with an expression that read surprise and elation.

"Yes. It's only fair that I offer you the same…opportunity…that I had." I pushed the hair back from her face with my palms. My lips twitched, already missing the taste of her mouth.

A coy smile slowly crept up her face, starting with the upturn of her lips, brightening her eyes, lengthening her eyebrows.

"What?" I said, not able to stand the silence _and_ the coy, sexy smile.

"Well…?" she said, wanting me to fill in the blanks.

"Bella, come on, not here. Not like this…your dad's going to be home any minute." I said, pleading, trying to hide the panic in my voice. I wasn't ready for this. I needed to prepare for something like this mentally. And squeezing in a hunt might not hurt, either.

"But I don't want this to end…this closeness. The fact that we're able to do things we haven't done before because of this…whatever it is…that's making you so relaxed," she said with a hint of longing in her voice.

"Well, then, we'll just have to see if we can recreate this tonight, won't we?" I didn't want this to end, either. I felt as if we'd opened up to each other in a way we'd not been able to before and I was willing to try to make it happen again. The wheels in my mind were turning on how we might recreate this atmosphere between the privacy of four walls and the dark cloak of night.

"Alright, tonight then," she said, as she leaned forward and pressed her lips to mine again, a hint of fire dancing behind her attempt to be chaste. "I guess I'll just have to make dinner for Charlie and suffer through an evening without you. It's going to be very hard…" she raised her eyebrows, "to wait for tonight."

Surprised at her innuendo, my features jumped before settling back in place, and I shook my head. Wondering if I could make this new, sassy Bella blush, I leaned in, slowly sucked her earlobe between my lips, flicked it once with my tongue, drew back, and breathed in her ear "you, my dear, have _no_ idea."

I smiled to myself as I basked in the heat of her blush. I hated for this moment to end, and just as I thought about taking her lips in mine and sliding my hand up to cup her breast once more, I heard the sound of Charlie's police cruiser approach.

Quickly opening the door, I jumped down while changing her position so she was cradled in my arms, shut the car door, and ran up the front steps to the porch. Setting her down slowly so she could reclaim her bearings, I ran my hands through her hair once, placing a chaste kiss on her forehead.

"Until tonight then," I said.

"I can't wait," she breathed out against my neck.

As I took off down her driveway, I clearly heard her whisper, "Now, what the hell am I going to do? That was my last pair of clean panties and now they're a mess…" as she opened the door and stepped inside.

Holy hell, this woman _is_ trying to kill me.

As I ran, and the fresh air cleansed my senses, the fog slowly lifted from my brain. I began to contemplate how I would be able to acquiesce to her request. Thinking about touching myself in front of her now seemed much more daunting; without the haze in my brain, the reality of the situation took root and made me nervous. The details and logistics necessary for this to happen started to pelt me like the rain had upon leaving the theater. Not only would I have to let my guard down enough to orgasm in front of her, putting her in possible danger because of the loss of control, but I would have to be slightly naked in order to do it. Meaning, she would _see_ me. Or I would have to find some loose fitting pants. I was truly nervous about Bella seeing me…or at least just that part of me…naked. It seemed…unfair for her to see me that way and not to see her…all of her.

It suddenly became very uncomfortable to run. _Ugh, Bella naked. Bella touching herself naked. Me touching Bella naked. _

I slowed to a stop and dropped to my knees in the forest outside the house. I didn't own loose fitting pants. I definitely needed loose fitting pants. _Like, NOW!_

"_Jesus Christ, Edward!" _Jasper screamed at me through his thoughts. _"How am I supposed to sit here in front of Carlisle and play fucking chess with a boner? Could you please rein it in a little? For everyone's sake? If not, there's about to be a tsunami of lust radiate through this house and you won't want to be around for the aftermath with no outlet for relief."_

I mentally chastised myself, trying to suppress my off-color thoughts. _Back to loose pants…Emmett. Of course, being the jock he was, Emmett would own sweat pants of some sort, right? Ugh, he's going to ask why…_

I pulled myself off the ground fully deflated after turning my thoughts to Emmett and sweatpants, neither of which screamed _sexy! _to me. I made my way into the house through the second floor balcony, whispering an apology to Jasper as I headed toward Emmett and Rosalie's room. Thankfully, the door was open, and I tapped my knuckles on the door as I peeked in. Emmett was sitting on the bed surrounded by piles of photos with one large pile in his lap. He flipped through the large stack, flicking his wrist and tossing pictures into the piles around him as he went.

"Hey, Edward. What's up?" he muttered, not looking up from his sorting.

"Uh, hey. Uh…" I stalled, not quite sure how to ask the question without raising suspicion. "Do you have any, uh, sweatpants I could borrow?"

I could tell the minute my question registered, as there was a pause in his process and his hand hovered over a pile, a picture trembling between his fingers.

"Sweatpants?" he asked, finally turning his attention away from the photos to look at me with a knitted brow. His brow relaxed and his eyes lit as a grin took over his face. "And, may I ask, why?"

"Well, I don't own any and I need some…pajamas. For when I stay over at Bella's. I'll go get my own tomorrow; I just don't have any for tonight." I said, grasping for an explanation.

"_You…what? You've been sleeping at her house for how long and you just now need sweatpants?" _he thought to himself as he stared at me, confusion written on his face. And then mischief took up residence. "Okay, you're going to have to cough up a better reason than that, Edward. This is gonna be gooooood!"

I started to open my mouth when his thought interrupted me, "_And don't even TRY to lie, Edward, you're a horrible liar."_

Pushing back my initial reaction to his question, I decided I might as well tell him the truth. There were no secrets in this house, even when we longed for privacy, and at least half the time, that was my fault. It was only fair, and I had been enduring Emmett's torment for years, this would be no different.

"Emmett…" I started, trying so hard to organize things in my mind to deal the softest blow. "I…Bella…" I couldn't even figure out where to begin.

"Edward, just spit it the fuck out," he said, the picture in his hands long since dropped and his attention fully on me. _"He's so nervous he can't talk. FUCK this is gonna be good!"_

"I have to…Bella wants me to…and I don't want to be exposed in front of her…" I couldn't keep eye contact with him. Suddenly random crazy sexual images of Bella in a leather corset and thigh-high boots with a whip and me cowering below her in a pair of sweatpants flashed through his mind.

"Jesus Christ, Emmett, NO!" I shouted, horrified at his assumption._ Horrified and incredibly turned on at the thought of Bella in a corset and thigh-high leather boots. Holding a whip. What?_

Emmett broke up laughing. "I'm just trying to get you to spit it out, man. Of course I don't see that happening. I mean, Bella's sassy, but not THAT sassy."

I punched him in the shoulder, hard. "_Okay, so tell me, Edward, or I will continue to flood you with what I think you want to tell me," _he thought, too loudly.

"I…I agreed to do something I'm not sure I'm ready to do. I mean, I know I can do it, but in front of her? And I don't quite know if I'm ready to expose myself like that…I-"

"You what?!" he yelled and started laughing. I turned to leave, my hopes of getting through this relatively emotionally unscathed having fallen, when he reached out and caught my arm. Trying to keep himself from splitting in half from laughter with one arm wrapped around his torso, he held my arm with the other hand.

"Wait, wait…wait!" he sputtered. "Wait, just WAIT," he said, trying to calm down enough to hold himself upright. Finally, with a big huff, he contained himself enough to ask what he really wanted to ask: "WHY on EARTH would you NOT want to expose yourself to her?" he asked, complete stupefied disbelief apparent on his face.

"Out of all the things you could ask, you ask that. Of course you would. You're Emmett. Any chance to expose yourself and you jump at the opportunity."

Emmett rolled his eyes, and smiled smugly. "You know, you're mostly right. But more importantly, you need my help right now, or you wouldn't be here…still. So start explaining, Edward."

He knew he had me under his thumb at this point, so I caved, but only because I wanted to figure a way out of this mess without Bella feeling like I was rejecting her, and Emmett's help was the only way, it seemed, to get there from here. _And THAT's a statement I'd never thought I'd even think. _

"I promised Bella I would…touch myself in front of her," he started to choke on a laugh, and I held up a hand, effectively stopping him. "Look, I know it sounds idiotic to you, but we've never been intimate like this before. I don't want to do this now…like this…but it's not really an option to back out. The best I can think to do is to do it without her seeing everything. I mean, I'm nervous about having to do…that…in front of her in the first place, so I figure the less she sees, the less nervous I'll be. So I figured…well…pajama pants might work."

Emmett's expression changed to one of actual contemplation. "Okay, Edward. Let me ask a question: what _have_ you done with Bella? I mean, how far have you gotten?"

I rolled my eyes and let out an exasperated sigh. "We…well…" I was having a hard time saving face and admitting to him how little we'd actually done.

"Oh, good lord, Edward. Use the baseball analogy if you have to," he said with an irritated yet amused huff.

"Ugh, Emmett, this is new to me, I'm just not used to talking about it. Fine. We made it to second base today."

Emmett made a noise somewhere between a snort and a question. "Today? Holy shit, Edward, what have you two been _doing_ all this time?" he said in shock. "Wait, don't answer that. Probably studying," he harrumphed.

"Look, never mind. This was a bad idea. I'm sorry I ever brought it up," I headed for the door, turning my back to him. Two steps away and I heard his thoughts.

"_Come on, man, come back. If you really want my help, I think I might actually be able to help you get out of this."_ Surprised, I stopped and turned, looking at a rare, sincere look on Emmett's face.

Questioning him with one eyebrow, he huffed and admitted, "Yeah, so, I can see how it might be embarrassing for you to be faced with doing this now, if all you've done is…well, made it to second."

Taking a small offense at his downplay of getting to where we'd gotten, I made the huge mistake of defending our physical exploration by blurting out, "Well, it's not like that's all either of us have done. She made it to third base…I mean, by herself. I mean, shit. I mean, I saw her…ugh, damn." Reason catching up with my mouth, I stopped suddenly, realizing I'd just told Emmett, of all people something that I know Bella would want to keep private between the two of us.

"Whaaa? You did…? Bella did _that_…in front of you? Oh, that little minx, I _KNEW_ she had it in her!" He said, chuckling to himself.

"No, not on purpose. I tried to leave then couldn't, ended up outside her window, but she didn't know I was there…and then she…" I stopped myself short, realizing I was digging this hole deeper with every world that escaped my mouth.

"You sneaky sonofabitch!" Emmett cried in a mixture of pride and glee. "I always knew you were a little creepy, Edward – "

In a rare moment of wanting someone to really understand…and for me to save face so as to not be labeled a peeping Tom, I quickly defended myself and confessed. "Look, I just…I couldn't turn away. We were both so frustrated and I had to leave so abruptly, I turned back to look, to make sure she wasn't…angry? And then she was dancing and I was…mesmerized. Hypnotized. She was so…beautiful. And then that song that just…ugh, _oozes_ sex came on and she was wearing _my_ boxers and she started to…" I stopped, realizing I'd pulled back into my own head and had been reliving the evening in my mind. Looking back at Emmett, he looked like a dog salivating in front of a butcher's shop. Enough with the details, I decided.

"Dude, you got to see that? That is SO HOT," he admitted, looking away with a contemplative stare. "I wish I could sneak up on Rose like that and see her cut loose by herself not knowing I was around. And Bella…god, she's so innocent, how did you possibly sit through that and not jump back through the window and…" he stopped mid-sentence and turned back to me, searching my expression for a leak of something else to seep through.

"What?" I asked, flustered. The fluster gave me away.

"Hoooooooooooooooly SHIT! DUDE! You wanked it while watching her, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU!?! Goddamn it you virgins and your dirty ass little devious minds. And you think I'm a perv! Jesus, Edward, you're…you're…"

"A peeping Tom." I said, eyes on my shoes, defeated.

"YEAH!" he said, nodding. "That's exactly what you are! That and a lucky sonofabitch," he said, talking about me like I'd done something exemplary, like win the Nobel peace prize. And then darkness clouded his face. "Oooh, and she found out, didn't she?!" his tone accusatory and mischievous, like he was ratting me out for skipping school or tattling on a sibling. "THAT's why she's making you do this in front of her. Goddammit, I love that girl more with every minute! Good for her! HA!" he congratulated his absent future sister-in-law.

"So, now you're stuck paying the piper…as it were, and you want an out," he said, finally drawing a conclusion to the mystery that I was hoping to avoid telling him altogether.

"Well, yes. I'm nervous enough doing it by myself," I said, tentatively, as he rolled his eyes, "doing it naked in front of her…she's just so innocent I don't want our first intimate moments to be me showing everything to her in one fell swoop. I was hoping that would happen as a natural progression of things…on our wedding night, of course."

"Oh, Jesus, Edward, get with the second millennium, will you?" he said with a slight irritation to his tone. Then he sighed, and added, "Okay, okay, I know you want to save the schtupping for the honeymoon, but at least you can take some little steps toward the ultimate goal before you say your vows. I mean, you don't want to blow your load in the first five seconds you're IN her because the feelings are so overwhelming and new, do you?"

Eyeing him critically, I asked, "Have you been talking to Carlisle about this?"

"What?" he asked, his mind clearly confused at my question.

"Never mind. Back to the topic. You said you could…help get me out of this?" I pleaded.

"Well, that was before I knew all the details. But, it may still work. How good are you at faking an ego? I mean, really, really faking some serious self-confidence, Edward?" he asked, conspiratorially. "Because if you can dazzle her and make her shake with the threat of the unknown…pull out all the stops and play on her innocence… She gets embarrassed so easily. Play on that. Treat her like a tiger rather than the kitten she is, and see what it gets you. If you can pull it off, she'll giggle and talk herself out of wanting you to do it. That is, unless, she really is woman enough to resist your charm and vampire dazzle on full stun mode."

I stared at him, a dubious and confused expression on my face for a long, long moment. He raised his eyebrows asking for my response. I finally let loose with a "What?! That doesn't even make sense, Emmett! Go in with guns blazing like I'm really going to do it – and enjoy it – and enjoy that she's watching me? How does that get me out of this?

"Are you listening, Edward? She's female and she's not the leather corset with thigh-highs-type. She's not a man-eater. She's not overly self-confident. That makes her relatively normal. And normal women, when confronted with overly-confident men who are about to do something extremely erotic…well, they giggle. And look away. It's what they DO, man. Haven't you ever seen inside some woman's head who's thinking about having been at a bachelorette party with a stripper? They look through their fingers laced over their eyes and giggle. It's what women do when they're uncomfortable yet intrigued. It's a girl thing."

As I stared at Emmett, his reasoning starts to make some sense to me. Women did tend to giggle nervously when confronted with something erotic and straightforward in person. I had seen the thoughts of women reliving bachelorette parties where the male dancers had captured their attention but they had been too shy or self-conscious to assert themselves and actually dance – or even talk – with them. I remembered one woman who had remembered practically curling up in the fetal position when one of her friends had purchased her a "lap dance" and the dancer had been so at a loss at what to do that he'd finally just taken her glasses off and rubbed them on his red velvet thong for a laugh from the other ladies.

"Call her bluff. You're telling me to call her bluff?" I said, realizing that this might work, yet looking to Emmett for a real confirmation.

"Hell yes, brother. Trust me, it'll work. Go in there with more self confidence than you've ever imagined having, rub it a little over your slim-fit girl jeans you've got on, there, and threaten to unbutton them in a very seductive manner. Talk dirty if you have to. I guarantee it that unless our innocent little Bella has more balls than she's ever eluded to, you're off the hook. She'll get all nervous and tell you that maybe you should make out first, but don't fall for it. Tell her you're there for one purpose and one only, and see if she backs out. I'll bet five hundred she does…unless Alice says not to," he said, contemplatively, rubbing his jaw.

"Alice!" I said, forgetting my one true guide in all things with an uncertain outcome. I searched my mind for her voice, coming up blank. "Where is she?"

"Gone 'hunting' with Jasper, you moron. Remember the state in which you showed up here earlier? Yeah, she went to go take care of that before Jasper let loose on the whole household and started vampire orgy 2009," Rose said from under my Vanquish in the garage, with a sneer in her voice I could practically see. Obviously she'd just returned and heard the end of our conversation and was enjoying my dilemma immensely.

Rolling my eyes at Rose's insinuation that all things Jasper felt sexually could be blamed on me, I huffed at the loss of my one ace. Without being able to read Alice's vision of the outcome of Emmett's advice, any chance of me going into the situation confident of its outcome had vanished. I now had to do one of two things: trust my brother, which really pushed me outside my comfort zone, or show up in lose fitting pants and resign myself to the fact that I was, in fact, whipped and going to put on a show of a lifetime that I was hardly ready to see myself.

This evening was not turning out how I'd hoped.

*********************************************************************************  
I landed on the tree branch outside her window, dried leaves falling to the ground with the shake of my landing. I tried to pretend that more leaves weren't falling as the branch continued to shake. My nerves were getting the best of me, and I knew I had to find a way to calm them or this evening would end in disaster.

I closed my eyes and breathed out, then waited for the homing signal that brought ease to my taught nerves. _Thu-thump, thu-thump, thu-thump_. Her heart beat its rhythm through my skin, rattled my bones, stretched my muscles and relieved my nerves. I heard her downstairs washing dishes and the disheveled thoughts of Charlie as he fought sleep while trying to watch a Mariner's game. These were normal evening happenings at the Swan household. No deviation from the norm. Except for the possible loss of innocence that was looming ever closer as the evening drew on.

Finally semi-relaxed, I jumped through the window, setting the portable heater next to the window. Sliding it closed, I looked around and decided the best place to position it was on the floor in front of her dresser, aimed at the rocking chair. Opening the closet door, I pulled down the oscillating fan and plugged it in, placing it in front of the heater. I cranked the heater up on high, turned the fan on low, and set about pacing around the room, wondering how this would work out.

"Cha- Dad, are you done in here? Dad?" I heard Bella ask her father from the kitchen. "Ah…to let him sleep on the couch or not to sleep on the couch, that is the question…" she said to herself. A few moments later she trudged up the stairs alone.

I quickly positioned myself on her bed, lying on my back, almost against the wall, my right arm bent under my head, propping me up. She walked in, pushing the door open absentmindedly as she removed her hair tie. Shaking her hair out and running a hand through it, she stepped into the room, turning to put the hair tie down on her nightstand. She jumped and gasped when she saw me, her heart starting to race, covering it with her left hand.

"You scared me," she said, quickly recovering and dropping her hand to her waist, "but I'm glad you're here."

"Yes, well, I love you too much to stay away," I said.

She smiled a broad, truly happy smile, and jumped onto the bed, landing on her knees next to me. She leaned over me and right before she kissed me, blushed furiously. Pulling her lips away from mine, she muttered against my lips, "I have been day dreaming about tonight since the moment you left me at the front door."

Recovering from her kiss, I stared at her with shocked eyes. "Really?" I said, hating myself for the almost crack that wiggled into my voice. This explained the overwhelming lovely scent emanating from between her legs – the idea of which continued to baffle me. She truly was excited by the prospect of watching me do this.

Her answer was to widen her smile, her eyes dancing happily. She hopped back up, pulled some shorts and a tank top out of her dresser, and headed for the door. "I'll be back in a few minutes," she said as she flashed me a coy smile, startling me wordless. I can count the number of coy smiles she'd executed during the entire lifespan of our relationship on one hand. I said a silent prayer in hopes that Emmett was really right about Bella. Was she a minx or was she an angel? Or was she an angel in thigh-high boots and a leather corset? I guess tonight we'd find out…

My skin began to absorb some of the heat now circulating in her room. Her scent permeated her bed so completely that when I lowered my nose to the sheets I felt like her essence surrounded me. I tuned out the sounds coming from her shower, trying to erase the usual mental barrage of pictures of her, wet, and nude, in order to try to abstain from anything that might actually make Bella's wish come true tonight.

I decided it would best facilitate my calling Bella's bluff to approach her in a seductive manner when she came into the room. If I could maybe catch her off guard, she'd be more likely to bow out. If she didn't…maybe I should have a plan B. I would need to be as far away from her as possible to keep myself under control if I really ended up doing this in front of her.

As I paced the room, I decided against overhead lighting in favor of a small bedside lamp, and if things worked out in her favor, I would keep my end of bargain from the rocking chair across from her bed.

The room was becoming very warm and already lingering smells seemed to amplify. A delicious scent was calling to me; a reminder of the smell that had entranced me in the truck earlier today. I followed my senses to the closet, realizing as I slid the door back that her dirty laundry basket contained the scent that called to me. Disgusted with myself, I shook my head, starting to close the door, when a scrap of shiny green satin caught my eye. I moved to get a closer look, but in reality, I was well aware of the purpose of this garment, and was making excuses to myself so that I would have a reason to touch it. Pushing back the feelings of guilt and shame, I reached forward and allowed my fingers to touch the soft, slick material. Just knowing where it resided previously made my cock start to swell. I picked up the cloth in my hands, wanting so badly to bring it to my face, to touch it to my cheek, to breathe in its delicious Bella-scent...

And then I remembered what she'd said as I'd left her at her front door earlier in the day. "That was my last pair of clean panties and now they're a mess…" The swelling turned to throbbing as I realized two things. One: these panties had been "a mess," the thought of which made me close my eyes and draw a slow breath with the intention of calming my body. All it really ended up doing was flooding my body with more of her earthy scent. And two: these were her last pair of clean panties…which means that when I arrived, she hadn't been wearing any. And, in fact, that there had been no other pair for her to take with her as she'd collected her pajamas earlier to take with her into the bathroom.

Holy hell. This was not going as planned at all. My body was reacting already to the knowledge and her scent; my pants seemed uncomfortably tight and I felt a little dizzy. _Wait, dizzy? _Maybe the heater and fan were starting to work. Maybe there were enough lingering scents in the small, enclosed, warm room to bring back the relaxed feeling that allowed us a new intimacy earlier today. Just as I felt my hand close around the material to raise it up toward me, I heard the sound of the bathroom door open. She was on her way back to the room.

I closed the door quickly, promising myself that Bella commando no matter what she was wearing was more appealing than touching panties that hadn't been on her for a few hours. I took a seat on the chair and felt the warm air from the fan, aimed at the chair, blow directly onto my skin, closing my eyes to collect myself and willing my erection to disappear.

But as she twisted the doorknob and stepped into the room, right in front of the fan, I felt like I was reliving our first moments in Biology class together. Only this time, I didn't want to drain her dry. Not at all. This time, I wanted to take her and make her mine.

The humid air swirled around me with hints of her sweet blood, her shampoo and the earthy, natural scent of her flesh. She closed the door and walked to the closet, eyes locked on mine, smiling apprehensively. Guilt made a brief appearance in the back of my mind as she slid the closet door open and deposited her dirty clothes in the hamper, but soon disappeared as she turned back to me, closed the door, and leaned back against it.

"So…" she said.

"So…?" I challenged, raising an eyebrow. Ignoring my nerves, I smiled my most seductive smile.

Jutting her chin upward and raising an eyebrow of her own, she challenged me back: "I believe you have something to show me?"

Taking a deep breath too quickly for her to notice but slow enough to calm my nerves just slightly with the thickening, haze-inducing scent that tickled my brain, I slowly rose from my chair, keeping my gaze intense and focused on her eyes. "I believe you are right…" I trailed off suggestively as I moved toward her at a snail's pace, taking full advantage of my other-worldly ability to elude grace and beauty in my movements. I was going to dazzle my way out of this, I was sure.

Racking my brain for my next move, I focused on Emmett's suggestions. _Make her nervous by giving her too much. Look her in the eye and dare her to look away. Be that cocky guy. _I could do that. I'd been that cocky guy before to get myself or our family out of sticky situations before. I could channel that in her presence and make it believable. Or at least I was telling myself I could. _Get to it or you're going to lose the moment!_

Rather than stop when I entered her personal space, as I normally would, I kept moving. She pressed herself back against the closet door in anticipation that I would press myself to her, but I came just centimeters shy of doing so. I pressed my palms against the closet door on either side of her head and leaned down, my lips just shy of hers, and whispered silkily, "I absolutely do. Would you like me to do it right here, or would you prefer to watch at a distance?"

Blushing copiously, she turned her head just slightly and let a small, nervous giggle escape. _Oh, thank you, Emmett, thank you!_

Taking a large breath, seemingly to calm herself, and exhaling with a hint of a sigh, she turned back to me, attempting to meet my gaze. On her third try, her eyes shifted to mine for a brief moment, and she muttered, "Uh…I…" before she looked away.

"Or maybe," I said as I started pressing myself closer, moving my lips slowly to her ear, "you'd like me to make more of a show of it? See a little more of me than you previously bargained?" I said as I exhaled against her ear, watching her shudder in response, listening to her heart pick up its beat. I took a deep whiff of her and started to feel the effects I'd enjoyed earlier in her truck. My mind started to feel a little furry, my spine relaxed, and the tension in that space between my shoulder blades dissipated. I lowered my mouth, caressed her elegant neck with my lips and wet tongue, and then exhaled my breath against her. She trembled and the scent of her arousal seemed to pour out of her. Taking another buzzing breath, I closed my eyes, feeling the burn in my throat dim, the fire of it relocating further south. My erection strained against my jeans, but it wasn't urgent and animalistic. That's not to say it wasn't lustful.

"Mmmmm…" I sighed, letting the sound resonate in my lips against her skin as I made my way to her mouth. I realized suddenly that my body had started to edge toward having a mind of its own. This was not part of the plan. I was supposed to make her excited but uncomfortable; overwhelm her with her own innocence and bashfulness, not make out with her and end up with an erection hard enough to pound nails.

I kissed her once, thoroughly, and felt her waiver slightly on her feet right before I stepped away. My mouth still open from the kiss, my tongue begging for more, I inspected her face. Her jaw was slack, her lips expecting more, her eyes closed, head tilted back. She was not at all uncomfortably embarrassed. Damn it, those lips! They had distracted me again. They did that so well.

"Distracted, are we? I thought you were here for the show…" I said in the most seductive manner I could muster, stepping back away from her. She just stared at me, blinking.

"Bella?" I said, snapping her back to reality. I decided to turn the tables on her to be in charge, thinking she might be more apprehensive if she had to tell me what to do, rather than just taking on that responsibility for her.

"Where would you like me to do this?" I asked, pointedly. Flustered, she looked around her room, finding nothing.

"I don't know, maybe…uh…couldn't we…?" she said, clearly at a loss. I wanted so badly to ease her embarrassment, but I knew that might end with me doing what I'd committed to do, so I just raised an eyebrow in question, forcing a smile.

She took that moment to look away and say, "Uh, how do you normally…um…where…do you normally…?"

"Where do I normally do it?" I asked. I smiled, faking confidence, and decided maybe the truth was my best option. "I _don't_ normally do it, Bella. That's the thing. The one time I have was outside your window in a tree. Would you like me to recreate _that_ scene?"

"What?" she said, confused. "Wait, so…the one time you did…that…was _while_ you were watching me? In the tree?"

I realized that although I'd told her I'd only done it once and that I'd done it thinking of her, and that I'd seen her touch herself, I'd never actually told her I'd done it while watching her, pleasuring myself at the same time. My brain was trying to tell me that I should feel incredibly embarrassed and apologize, but it was fuzzy in there and that thought didn't come to fruition at my lips. It got lost along the way and twisted with the cocky persona I was struggling to portray, and came out sounding a lot like: "You think I could watch you do that and _not_ touch myself, Bella? It was so hot just thinking of it makes me pine for a repeat performance." I surprised myself with the bold suggestion, but reinforced it with a lick of my lips and a trace of my fingertips up her arm, studying her like she was something to be devoured.

She trembled under my touch and attempted to meet my gaze wide-eyed. I thought maybe this would be the moment she caved. She opened her mouth, closed it, shook her head as if to rid herself of a thought, and then – just slightly – her stature seemed to change: her shoulders straightened, her hands relaxed, and she brought her eyes to mine. What I saw made me realized I had lost: determination. Most assuredly lust and curiosity were prevalent, but the slightest bit of determination was all she needed. I couldn't say no to her if she truly wanted this, and as I mulled that over, I realized I knew that all along.

With her jaw set and decided, she told me exactly what she wanted, "I want…I want to see," she paused, as she reached out to touch my chest, running her palms up and around my shoulders, looking up into my eyes. "I want to see how I make you feel," she said, as she reached up to kiss me.

Emmett's advice flew out the window. I couldn't hold back, I couldn't be cocky and detached. The haze was back in my brain and all I could focus on was the delightful feeling of her mouth against mine, and making her happy. I pressed my lips to hers, trying to start off slow and sweet, but she opened her mouth and licked my upper lip – a little kitten lick – and I was done for. I moaned and wrapped my arms around her, pulling her flush against me, lifting her just lightly off the floor, and kissing her for all I was worth. The heat that flashed through me when our tongues met sent my mind swimming in her scent and her heat and her little gasps of breath.

With my arms still around her, I backed us up toward the bed, turning and laying her down gently, hovering above her as I kissed her. She would have none of it – she twined one leg around my leg and the other around my waist and pulled me down to her. Not that I couldn't have resisted, but my will was bent completely to her and the sensations coursing through me. I pressed myself against her and she I heard the quiet little whimper, but for a moment wasn't sure if it came from her or me. The pressure felt so divine against me I felt the air whoosh from my lungs in relief.

I could feel the heat of her pressed against me and couldn't stop my body from moving against her. I kept the force of my movement in check so as not to hurt her but couldn't keep the divine feeling of it from pulsing through me. "OH, Jesus!" escaped my lips in prayer as they manipulated the flesh of her neck. She whimpered and moved herself against me then, sending another pulse of pleasure through me. Again and again she moved against me, and I could feel the heat through her skimpy shorts permeating the fly of my jeans. Something clicked in my brain to remind me that she had nothing beneath those shorts and I knew I had to stop this or it would go too far.

"Bella, dear God, please," I said, and even though I'd meant it in protest, it had come out as a plea for more. She recaptured my lips in hers and I couldn't stop my hand from reaching down and running over her calf – eliciting tiny whimpers from her – and up behind her knee, until it shook up her thigh. I wanted to grab her thigh tightly and press it harder around my hip, harder against me. Harder than her human flesh would allow.

The realization of how badly I wanted that jolted me into slowing things down. "Bella!" I whispered frantically between velvet-tongued kisses, "please, I can't stop like this. I need – please, some space," I pleaded. Finally, she pulled back just slightly, seeming to realize just how frantic we both had become so quickly – too quickly – and she scanned my eyes for an answer.

Finding only confusion and lust in me, she made the decision for me. She pushed me over so I was leaning on my side against the wall, rolled to her side, and slowly pressed a slow, sweet kiss to my lips, all the while still panting out the desperate lust from mere moments before.

She trailed her hands from my shoulders, down my chest, then stomach, the muscles tensing beneath the pads of her fingers. She reached the hem of my shirt and pulled upward, trying to remove it. I was dying to feel her skin on my skin and without thinking I ripped it off so fast all she saw was a blur. Her eyes widened as she took in my bare chest, and I stopped breathing, waiting for her reaction.

She tentatively pressed her fingertips to my shoulders, bare skin on skin, shivers following in the wake of her prints. She watched them as they explored my collarbones, my sternum, the muscles of my chest. As they danced across my taught nipples, teasing, I hissed in breath and held it, letting it out bit by bit as her hands traced lower. My eyes closed without my permission so that I could better appreciate this sweet touch with all my other senses. The muscles of my torso quivered beneath her stare and shook beneath her touch, but it was the sweetest pleasure.

I had to stop her hand as it reached the hem of my jeans. I wanted her to touch me so, so badly, but was she ready for that? Was I? I had promised her one thing, would it be fair to allow her to do something else on her terms in the heat of the moment? The second guessing I normally drown in was still prevalent in my daze, but felt more…confusing.

I took a deep breath, reveling in her scents and the feelings they elicited in me, and took her hands in mine. Her touch had calmed me, I was in control. I brought her hands to my lips and kissed them, then gently moved her onto her back, folding her hands on her stomach. "Bella, I think…I can do this…for you. But I'm not sure I can do this while you're touching me."

"Okay," she nodded slowly, "it's…okay," she said, her words comforting. Her tongue betrayed her, though, as it snuck out and wet her lips. I bit back a groan and kept eye contact with her as I unbuttoned the fly of my jeans. She stayed with me and pretended not to notice the low groan that slipped out as my cock escaped the strict confines of my jeans. No, underwear not needed this round. It would've been pointless due to exactly this situation. I briefly wondered if I'd ever truly believed I could weasel my way out of this, or if, in fact, I had truly wanted it all along.

I pushed my jeans down a little, making room and went to wrap my hand around my cock when I felt her gaze start to falter. Her eyes widened infinitesimally, she swallowed and her chin started to lower. She wanted to look. But she wasn't looking because she thought I didn't want her to look. Did I want her to look?

_Yes._

In this trippy state where my thoughts seemed to get knotted up and every breath felt like I was literally breathing sex in and tension out, I realized that I truly did want her to look, and I wanted her to like it. I was desperate for her approval.

"Bella?" I asked, question not necessary.

Her eyes slowly dragged down, but she said nothing. Then I saw just the corners of her mouth turn up, and a slow smile start to emerge. I couldn't help myself; her smile was the sexiest thing about her. I started to stroke myself lightly, slowly. The feeling was such a relief and an excitement simultaneously. She wet her lips again as she watched me, and I decided maybe her smile was the _second_ sexiest thing about her.

I sped up my manipulations, feeling the temptation of being so close to her and not touching her; thinking that if I hurried through this we'd both make it through this with our virginity in tact. That was the last thought I remember clearly acknowledging before she reached out and touched me. Just the tips of three small fingers on my hand, stopping me, pulling my hand away. She glanced back up at me for permission, which I didn't consciously give, but she must have seen, as she looked back down and wrapped her own pretty fingers around me.

I felt the pull at the pit of my stomach and forced the feeling away, closing my eyes. I wasn't sure I could keep myself from coming if I looked down at that moment to see her gripping me. I calmed myself, took another Bella-drug breath, and opened my eyes. She was looking back at my face, checking my mood. I wet my lips and tried to draw them up into a smile but failed miserably. I settled on a slight nod of my head, and she looked back down to her hand.

She removed it and traced her fingers from the base to the tip, around the ridge of the head, and then across it, making _my_ toes curl. Then she gripped me and I had to bite my lip to keep from exploding in her hand. She moved her hand slowly up and down, looking up at me questioningly. She must have seen the approval in my eyes or maybe it was the panting breaths that gave me away, but she tightened her grip just slightly and continued her motions.

She suddenly pulled her hand away, an unintentional whimper leaving my lips turning to a low growl as I watched her _lick her hand_. She looked at me in surprise and whispered matter-of-factly: "it wasn't slippery enough," before she took me in her hand again.

Her movements now were something from out of this world. The slickness combined with the heat of her palm and the slightest pulse of blood through her hand I could feel was making me feel like the inexperienced teenager I was, requiring all my concentration to center on making this last. I was so distracted by this fact that I wasn't even thinking of attacking her…that was, until she leaned up and kissed me. Feeling her tongue move against mine in the same rhythm as her hand brought me to the edge, and I fought the urge to let go.

She must've felt the rigidity take over my body as the effort to hold on increased in difficulty because she pulled away, looked into my eyes, and saved me. "Let go," she whispered, "I want to see you let go." Her heart was racing, her breath as short as mine. Her body seemed to reflect exactly what I was feeling.

I couldn't deny her, nor could I deny what I needed. With a grunt, two thrusts into her tightening hand, and a long, slow groan, my eyes shut, my mouth fell open and I came in her hand as my body shook and shivered and ascended into heaven.

I took one long, deep breath and was overcome with the smell of her arousal mixed with the proof of mine, her sweet signing blood, and the perspiration now beading on her flesh, and the feeling was overwhelmingly divine. Opening my eyes allowed me the greatest addition to this pleasure: her shining eyes and proud smile. Quickly using my shirt to clean us both before she even knew what was happening, I wrapped my arms around her, pressing her to me, and whispered my praise, my love, and my reverence to the woman who had saved me from myself.

I pressed sweet kisses to her lips in awe and thanks, and then turned to pull her onto my chest as I lay back. Snuggling her nose into my neck, she began to giggle. So relaxed and happy I could barely speak, I whispered, "what?"

"Nothing," she said, "I just…I just thought it would be weird. But it wasn't. I just can't believe we did that but at the same time it seems like nothing at all."

"I think I know what you mean. Like now that it's happened, it doesn't seem like it should've been so foreign…so forbidden?" I asked, thinking about how natural it had felt to have her see me without clothes when before it had seemed such a momentous boundary.

"Yeah. I love the fact that I now know how you look…when you are…overcome with pleasure. It makes me feel like I'm closer to you," she said, blushing warmly against my bare chest.

"I've never felt so close to anyone in my life," I said, "especially now. It felt so amazing…you were so amazing," I said, holding her close, pressing my lips to her hair. "With the exception of one, small thing, I feel so completely content right now."

"What's that?" she said, "What's that one small thing?"

"Well…" I flipped us so she was on her back and hovered over her. I kissed her slowly, pulling back just slightly until she opened her eyes and I dragged my nose along hers. "You got to see me, touch all of me," I said, "and I believe the phrase is 'turnabout is fair play?"

**Okay, so love it? Hate it? Too high on the cheese factor scale? REALLY wanted to see Edward in sweatpants and now you hate me? (I just couldn't do it, sorry. He's just so metrosexual in my mind, I couldn't put him in sweats.) I debated for a LONG WHILE on how this chapter should go, but this is where it ended up…decided it while writing, really. SO, let me know what you think should happen next. I'm seeing maybe two more chapters on this fic. Do you want the wedding night? So many people have done that so well I hesitate to write it myself, but if it's what you guys want, I'll DO IT!**

**NOW, that being said, go bid on me at the Fandom Gives Back auction. !! OR go bid on SOMETHING!! Just bid! Help out the kiddos with cancer – they need all the breaks they can get.**

**My schtuff on the auction site: www(dot)tiny(dot)cc/wCwoI **_**---remove the (dot)s and replace with .**_


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